Day 273

7:30AM:

This song was in my head as Mom and I were driving to the next job, through traffic hell and torrential rain to be her Swiss Army Knife, to do what few sane people sign up to do on their vacation time…

Sorry for the cheezy image.  Truth be told, it was because of my preference of a certain TV show that the song was in there.  So I guess, it was more like this…

When I went to post this, I looked at the lyrics first.  I wanted to post this because the lyrics have a lot to do with some thoughts that rattled through my head during the drive —

“Back On The Road Again”

Please don’t hate me mama for what I’m about to do
But the good times we’ve had together are just about now through
Please don’t misunderstand me, I hate to see you cry
But I think that it might look better if I told you now goodbye

[Chorus:]
I’m back on the road again, it’s time I leave you now
And maybe I’ll see you next time, that I’m around
Until then I hope your happy baby and good times come your way
I’m back on the road again, I’m on my way

Well I’ve loved you since the day I met you and I’ll love you till the day I die
But we both know the life I’m livin and we both know the reason why
That I’ve got to leave ya mama and I’ve got to leave today
But you know that I’ll see you next time that I come through your town to play

[Chorus] ooh, bye-bye baby

— about my mother.  Maybe they’ll sort out tomorrow, maybe they’ll be here tomorrow.  Writing helps.  It will help me understand this one too.

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Day 255

6PM:

Barely enough energy to see straight or piss straight, let alone think or act straight.  No Tao of Pooh – will get there some day (as rivers know).  Sorry, best I’ve got are random thoughts (and bad metaphors)…

Three days = three successful days of reclaiming breakfast, lunch, dinner – never eating too much and never eating too little.  Today wasn’t so great, which we knew it wouldn’t be.  But as my lunch from the gorgeous Gorilla Food demonstrated…

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…just because it looks fucked up, doesn’t mean it is (damn, did that Great Gorilla Salad ever taste good!).

On day three, didn’t over-drink = just had one and that was all – could be attributed to…

That being said, feel like crap – bloated (yesterday’s ill), tired, sleepless, restless, senseless, fatigued beyond belief.  Blackness little louder than is tolerable as a result.  Good news though = didn’t have to cram a bunch of food into me to “fill the numbers” – could skirt on yesterday and my body/nature would figure it out.

Still worry about eating too much/too little at each meal.  Just finished some fruit and chocolate as a snack and worried a shit-ton about the chocolate – maybe this is about realizing that physical signs of hunger (tummy grumbling) are not the only ones of note.  There is also (as today and yesterday have shown, since more than coffee or alcohol, fatigue kills my physical signs of appetite), other signs of hunger: being a dick, distractability and lack of concentration, over-thinking about food or counting or if it’s enough (like the fruit-chocolate demonstrated), light-headedness (shouldn’t get to this) and falling asleep or excessive fatigue.  Still learning…

Got a few more days of running on fumes, then I get to rest for 48 hours (long enough to get sick), before I’m back “on.”  Mom appreciated me being there though.  Mom needed me there though.  So fatigued or not, I am happy to be stuck in an airport waiting to go home to my girl and glad I got to be the swiss army knife again.

Day 177

6PM:

I just spent my day off working. Doing something I had no training to do, living with uncertainty and acting as needed. I was a Swiss army knife. Not one thing really well, except for hard work.

I did it out of love. The colourblind, healthy vegan helped his friend the butcher serve burgers and golden brown fries (that one customer claimed were the best she’d ever had). But the only thing that matters was that I did it out of love.

So as such, in the words of Toronto Maple Leafs great Syl Apps (captain for much of the 1940s) in the late years of his life, “I can’t talk, I can’t walk, I can’t write, but I feel fine.”