Day 187

8AM:

Sleep over the weekend = good.  I had the same amount of alcohol (3 boxes = 2 drinks), but did I drink it differently?  Does my body/brain know when I’m drinking for the wrong reasons?  I’ve tried not drinking on weekdays and it doesn’t help, not when there are other spirits at work…

Work being the opportune word.  Itseems to have the largest impact on sleep, on worrying, on anxieties, on the breaking down of me, on me coming apart at the seems…

The question finally becomes whether or not replication is doable?  Is replication important or should I just be grateful that it happened?  That I was able to rest?

I am not seeking perfection in trying to find these answers, I am just looking for some peace.  Some peace of mind like this would be nice.

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Day 157

3:30AM:

The debilitating wakefulness, the anger inside.  The unfairness of this all, screams aloud.  The silence of the bedroom is deafeningly brutal, laying waste to any hope of regaining unconsciousness.

The world is conspiring, to make me fall.  The world is conspiring, to make me crack.  The world is conspiring, to kill my hope.

This is not insomnia; this is all out war.