Day 363

8:45AM:

This notion of finding purpose and value in others, in this being part of my Uncarved Block, to be for and of the people, it rubs some the wrong way.  I had a politely heated conversation with Naturopath last week about it.  Its influence is reflected in yesterday’s post about “taking care of myself, so I can take care of others.”  My position is that taking care of myself for others does not devalue myself.  Finding connections with others, being loved and living with them, being hurt and harmed by them, this does not devalue myself.  Hers is that it will lead to self-destruction due to neglect; martyrdom; undue self-sacrifice; broken hands; not being of the people, only for the people

I have my purpose – love, care, Tz’u, Don – and that cannot be a bad thing (as long as it does not lead to self-destruction; martyrdom; undue self-sacrifice; broken hands; not being of the people, only for the people).  As long as it stays an imperfection and does not fall victim to the blackness and its much-too-easy, oil-slick-like slipperiness into the darkness, it cannot be a bad thing.  As long as it stays mine, my beautiful imperfection, and as long as the blackness doesn’t claim it as its own, as a flaw, it cannot be a bad thing.

How the hell does this connect to The Lorax?  The Lorax speaks for the trees.

This video I found reminds the world – nay, screams at all those who I rub the wrong way with my purpose – why I do what I do.  I speak with (not only for) the exceptional but exceptional, with the amazing but marginalized, with the “disabled”:

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Day 329

6PM:

I just left the restaurant.  I just barely held on.  Together, the 4PM “lunch” and the 3:30PM Naturopath appointment gave me enough strength to be who I needed to be, who I want to be, who I find value in being.  But just barely.  If anything, I wasn’t strong enough.  I am not sure if my wife actually felt better or worse after I left, because I couldn’t hold it all in, I couldn’t keep it all together.  I couldn’t be her puzzle piece, having been worn away too much by the last month, worn away by the fact that I have had one day off in the last thirty-eight (and some of those on days have started at 5AM and ended much too late).

If I want to be the Don for her, for my family, I need to be strong enough to be that.  Taking today’s words from the Naturopath, I need to take care of myself to take care of others.

If I want to be the Lorax who speaks for the unspeaking, the champion of equity and all things good (truth, justice and all that jazz…), I need to be strong enough to be that.  I need to take care of myself to take care of others.

Part of the next phase – the next step in recovery – will allow me to do so, to be those things, to take care of others.