I do not regret that I find my value in people. I find value and purpose in people, in others. It means I get really fucking hurt, that I feel it to my core, in my nerves, throughout my circuitry. Every time someone asks, “How are you?” and isn’t there for the answer, they take a part of me with them. I am not necessarily surprised when I turn around as I am saddened by the loss of another part of my happy.
But in finding value and purpose in others not only gives me the reason to be Don, but the strength to do so as well, because it also means that I am not alone…
“How’d it go today? (I figure you knocked it out of the park)… Good post-observation meeting?”
“And that’s why you’re awesome. A lot of good comments. And now I have some wisdom to share with you!”
“:). I knew you would knock it out of the park.”
“Unappreciated. Not under, but un. You know how it is here.”
“Sorry a lot are feeling that way” (for an English teacher, not that grammatically correct when it comes to text messaging! – but I digress).
“Fuck ’em. I know everything you do and all you do for that place and the support you give. You were more thoughtful in your one phone call yesterday than most people there have been all week.”
“When a lot becomes too much I’m happy you’re by my side. I can feel scared and at points hopeless, just for a second. Because I know you’re there.”
“And that’s why it will never be too much. Because foreverever together beats it every time. Foreverever reclaimed. I love you.”
Monks search for inner peace (ok, a little simplistic I’m sure). But enlightenment to better themselves? What a waste of a life.
A life that’s worth having is worth giving, is worth spending blood to help, is worth being generous with love. What does a life of self-reflection do but selfishly take away your life from the world? Separating yourself from the good you can do in the world or being immersed in all the love that you could give – this does what? Taking away the love you could give to the world – this does what?
This comes up because I passed by a monastery as I biked to work today. Every now and again, these mysterious monastic creatures will emerge and walk the unlit streets at all hours. If someone’s car hit them, ran them over and took their existence away, what would that impact be? If they are of themselves, who have they influenced who would weep for them? Simpler still, of whom have they influenced? Even simpler still, of whom have they loved?
Workout friend and I, in being there for each other, bettered each other. We shared father stories of aggression and over-work and abuse. In doing so, we influenced each other for the better. In influencing each other, we created love, love to which the world would not have beared witness in a life of SELF.
Heroic Educational Assistant and I, in being caring for each other, bettered each other. She spoke to me about the good I do in the world and I chronologized her heroism, the positive influence she has had on those she taught and those with whom she taught. In doing so, we influenced each other for the better. In influencing each other, we created love, love to which the world would not have beared witness in a life of SELF.
Meditating on life, is not life. Love is life.
Meditating on life, to no end but SELF? Selfish assholes.
Yesterday had a slew of shitty moments. A whole host of work-related fuckery, shittardery and fucktardery even, made it long, demanding, frightening and altogether brutal.
However, this post isn’t about that. I will CHOOSE to write about the following things. I will CHOOSE to remember in the chronicles of the Internet, the things about yesterday that made me smile and warmed my heart and reminded me that my soul is there, still, and that they have not taken that from me.
– CSA #2 = VEGGIE HAUL!
– Workout Friend telling me that just like I told him, I can, should and need to vent to him to deal with the emotions = reciprocating the friendship, the affection.
– IAN of the day = having a customer (and cashier) at Bulk Barn be dumbfounded and geniunely happy at my Intentional Act of Niceness of passing the $2 remaining on a gift card to him standing behind me in line.
– The smile on an ungraduateable student, predicted to be dead before high school even started, crossing the stage and seeing me, with the hat he made me being worn proudly, and multiplying the happy moment by two. Congratulations Matthew.