Day 359

3PM:

To be the person that she needs me to be, I have to be above her blackness.  With her dreams, with her desires, with her promises – those things are above her blackness, above the hijacking, above the neglect, above the flaws.  She dreams bigger than she is.

I don’t mean for that to sound bad.  It is more like that line in the English Patient: “‘She had grown older.  And he loved her more now than he had loved her when he understood her better, when she was the product of her parents.  What she was now was what she herself had decided to become.'”  That is not a bad thing and that is where her dreams are, even before she has or we have gotten there.  She dreams bigger than she is; she just hasn’t caught up to them yet.

In my context, I work towards a more ME version of ME, which makes not being there yet frustrating.  She SEES that version of herself, is able to visualize it, is able to dream it and live pieces of it in her mind.  She can be in that place before she is in that place, in those dreams before they become our place.  What that must be for her…

But I need to be in her now to help her get us there.  When her hormones hijack her, I need to help her out, be her promises, even when that means stepping back and letting her find solid ground (because she can, her doing so at work proves that).  That very well might mean highlighting the week that we know her hormones might pop up and piggy-back her blackness, for both her awareness and mine (maybe in terms of yesterday‘s rallying cry to press on, press forward, that is something we can look to do).  When she doesn’t want to work out or eat healthy, I need to help her out and be her promises, even when that means stepping back and being patient, letting her find her way, being supportive by making working out and healthy eating easier, being supportive by being inspirational, not letting her give up but not being louder than her dreams.

I hope that she comes around to her dreams, to her trueness.  I believe in her, believe that she will.

Reclaiming healthy is about reclaiming our dreams from the blackness.

We dream bigger than we are – that’s called hope.

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