Day 266

6PM:

These might all seem like separate things, or even worse, redundancies. Two-hundred and sixty-five days of over and over, dropping one thing and going to the next, picking up one catch phrase when it better suits and putting down an old one, or again, even worse, being redundant and repetitive and (dare I say) edu-speak-ish.

Fuck off.  That is not the case.  These ideas do all fit, they fit around recovery.

Recovery is creating an environment – through lines (structures, respecting your true nature and not shoulds, working through blacklists and exposure therapy, safeguards, routines), support systems (literary and asking for help from the warm-blooded – familial and therapeutic) and tools (regular exercise, expressing gratitude and appreciation, writing a blog, happy lists) – that starves the blackness inside, taking away its power, taking back the things it stole as flaws (taking your thoughtfulness, contemplative nature and warping it into toxic hyper-vigilance and overt control, anxiety and over-thinking, an eating disorder or alcoholism to cope and depression, low sex drive and thoughts of self-harm as a result; taking your self-awareness and bastardizing it into self-doubt and fear, whereby you run and cheat and lose your you version of you) and reclaiming them as your own beautiful, amazing and loving imperfections, and in doing so, allowing yourself to find vivid in recovery one day at a time, reclaim healthy, manifest as the you version of you, your true nature, your Uncarved Block (healthy veganism, thoughtful gentleness, IANs, creative attentiveness and loving care).

Without the breaks and brackets (and questionably avoided run-on sentence):

Recovery is creating an environment that starves the blackness inside, taking away its power, taking back the things it stole as flaws and reclaiming them as your own beautiful, amazing and loving imperfections, and in doing so, allowing yourself to find vivid in recovery one day at a time, reclaim healthy, manifest as the you version of you, your true nature, your Uncarved Block.

See, it all fits – perfectly imperfectly.

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Day 228

9PM:

Counting calories

Counting calories, calculating portions

Counting calories drives me

Counting portions keeps me controlled

Counting calories drives me

Counting portions ensures I don’t fall

Counting calories drives me

Counting portions keeps me on the edge, in a constant state of awareness and stress, spinning the motor faster and faster and faster

Counting calories drives me off the edge, because I can never stop, never lie there without calculating activity or goodness, never slow down, never find peace, never find quiet

Counting portions, counting calories makes me jump off the edge, since there is no peace in this

Counting calories, counting portions drives me insane

Day 183

8PM:

There were especially hard moments today: crying while driving to work, face hurting throughout the day, getting blindsided by a depressed young man (without fair warning from the guidance counsellor who sent him my way).

There were also some great moments: being able to draw on my mental health experiences to hopefully help that young man amidst my dumbfoundedness; finding support in two colleagues,  one of whom wanted my day to end on a positive note so much that she told me about a student that wrote about me in her English class as an inspiration and with admiration; coming home to find my wife, even through her fatigue and pain, surprised me and confirmed by belief in her strength and love.

How is it then that I still have trouble not being bogged down by the bad and not pulled up by the good? Is it because the bad outbalances or is it something inside me causing the imbalance?