Day 337

8:30AM:

I am not infallible.  I try to live up to my mantras, not always able to live by them – they often are the lines that allow me to be who I want to be, to be the ME version of ME that I know I can be, the one who she loves and adores.  If I could always live by them, never be affected by the world, then I would truly be for the world and not of it, giving to it without receiving the love or pain that comes with being a part of it.

Today would have been Pierre Elliott Trudeau’s 95th birthday.  He might be Canada’s greatest Prime Minister to date – championing multiculturalism, inclusivity and (arguably) the Canadian spirit.  Trudeau, in his 1984 farewell speech to the Liberal Party, said, “Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die.”  This was a mantra of his.

However, he was not infallible either.  He wanted to live up to this, knowing that he could not always live by it.  In his anger, in his emotion, he made mistakes.  The one-finger salutation he gave to protesters in British Columbia is remembered; the fact that they were screaming anti-francophone slurs is not.  Last week, I let myself get so tired that I made an error in judgement.  Doing the right thing, but in the wrong way, my metaphorical finger was greater than its message.

In this next stage of recovery, we will try to foster an environment that prevents me from getting so exhausted, so unchecked, that the mistakes black out the message.  This means boundaries, stop-gaps and lines that help support the anti-stress movement, and (as I wrote yesterday) moving ahead, it means further thought about what to do about this whole stress thing (since the stop-gaps support the symptoms more than the disease).

But in this next recovery stage, our hopes are high.

In this next recovery stage, our faith in ourselves is great.

In this next recovery stage, our courage is strong.

And as always, our dreams for this beautiful bubble will never die.

I will continue to try to live up to my mantras, to live up to the person I want to be.  And whenever doubt creeps in, whenever blackness infects that hope and our dreams, in the words of Trudeau: “JUST WATCH ME!”

Day 240

7PM:

A week after the Fourth of July and a week and a half after Canada Day, I’m declaring my Independence…

 

Cue the dramatic, but this is a huge step.  A step on the path of recovery.

And no, it won’t be perfect.  The blackness will still scream in my head, telling me that I will get fat, telling me that I am not doing enough, telling me that I am wrong.  The blackness will force me to use the tools I have at my disposal, to find new tools, to use my support system.  However, consider that neither of these examples were perfect at the time either:

  • Canadians still had Western Canada to bring into the fold after 1867’s Confederation.  It took over a century, but they got there.  Now, all the provinces and territories celebrate.
  • In 1776, the Americans still had the ghost of the British looming over their shoulders and a Civil War that was a hundred years away.  But there was progress.

Signing of Confederation, signing of the Declaration of Independence – these things, these showed progress, these were steps on their paths, these were hope.

And just like them, I can have progress, I can have hope.

And just like them, I deserve both – for me, for us, for all the people it will allow me to focus on in the future and for all the Intentional Acts of Niceness I will be able to do because I won’t be concerned about food or hunger or the things I’ve avoided as a result of the portion-system (because the food or activity or activity level couldn’t be measured or quantifiably compensated, because of the anxieties around not getting it all out of the blender, because of not being able to stop moving and doing extra).  We all deserve for these things to be gone.  Reclaiming healthy through recovery deserved.

The portion controlled system will always be there if needed, in times of stress or in times of relapse.  But for right now, it has done its job.  For right now, I have done my time, my 25 to life

Now, it’s my day.  Not a day of endings, of forgetting the history leading up to this moment or of ignoring the continued progress that needs to come, that will come.  But today, today is my Independence Day.  And tomorrow, we wake up and take the next step.