Day 239

Plan of Attack:

Prioritize vegan and healthy, the true colours of my soul

Juice — Breakfast — Lunch — Dinner (Snacks as needed, which will be the tougher part out of all this, listening to my hunger cues to determine if I need to eat something between Lunch and Dinner, or after Dinner to “touch up” the day [which should be much more manageable than playing catch up at the end of the day with the massive meal])

At the three meals, hit four of the six vegan food groups (dividing fibrous vegetables into greens and non-greens) to ensure that I am combining the two colours of veganism and healthy – thank you Thrive Foods and Brendan Brazier for the graphic:

Vegan Food Pyramid Graphic

Also at the three meals, making sure that one of the four is from the healthy fats section (this may change given its placement on the above graphic – which is more for visual purposes than anything – but it is a hang-up of mind, a remaining blacklist item that I want to make sure I quash early and often)

If cooking these meals becomes too difficult, anxiety-inducing, etc., we will look at getting pre-prepped stuff (Whole Foods, your prices be damned!!!)

No coffee or booze, at least for the first couple of weeks – they are appetite killers for me, things I’ve used in the past to ignore my hunger cues and I want to get firmly entrenched in this new system before I reintegrate them

No weighing myself or my food (I can’t wait to destroy those fucking scales!)

Use the tools we have developed, those mechanisms to fight the blackness – use them willfully, intentionally and without hesitation to battle the urge to move too much, the urge to hurt myself, the urge to portion control or predict, the urge to make my imperfections into flaws, the urge to not be the version of me that we know is there and screaming to come out

My girl, my beautiful wife, will be crucial in keeping an eye on me, making sure the lines are appropriate, my safeguard, my love (and she will bring me home one meal a day – I can’t wait!!!!)

Let hunger cues be my guide, let resting cues be my guide and trust that my support system will help me along this next step in recovery (I will need to prepare them for this, so they are ready for this and may take a day or two).

This is reclaiming healthy, this is progress on the path of recovery, this is a continuation of my soul’s awakening and growth, a vividness that we seek.

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Day 210

2PM:

Thank you universe for my hug yesterday…

Fucked over at work (signed on for something, agreed with the person, was disagreed with by her in public) = check

Thrown for an unexpected double-loop by the personalities I have to combat, personalities who appear to have a shiny veneer and a devious centre (but I’m starting to realize that it’s truly just a shallow shine, without anything substantial or significant beneath) = check

Working out using Grandfather’s system = didn’t shake the cobwebs

Been spinny about eating for a little while, figured it was time for a cheat meal (especially given that I forgot what a cheat would count as, so I needed to do it as anxiety medicine/blacklist) = Rawlicious appetizer, entree, dessert = didn’t shake the cobwebs (the Hot Chocolate was amazing, but the other two were flavourless or watery or unbalanced – BAH!)

Enter the universe, enter the hug.

Just as I was walking back to my car, who do I see but Habitating Family Friend (the proverbial unrelated “Uncle” who has never been called such, but has lived with us/my parents for the last five years, worked with my Mom for decades before that).  Some context might be needed: HFF is one of the most beautifully imperfect people on the planet.  HFF is kind and generous to a fault, beyond comprehension and beyond means.  HFF taught me how to sell, but more importantly showed my true love.  HFF is perfectly imperfect.

I saw him walking in the direction of a bakery for his late lunch, early snack and nearly cried.  I didn’t have the time and he probably wanted the peace/quiet, but he let me walk with him, he let me sit with him, he let my talk with him, and in doing so, he let me soak in the love.  He gave me the quiet affection that made me forget the world, even for just a little while.  Thank you HFF, thank you universe.  I love you.

Day 116

12PM:

It is the first day of March Break.  It is a day that should scream EXHALE!  REDO: it is a day that I want to scream EXHALE.

And yet, totally NOT HAPPENING!!!

It is tightening my shoulders, vicegripping my spinal cord; I can feel the blackness’ grip strangling my soul, making it hard to breathe in the fresh air that the holiday provides.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting sick or feeling the wear of shit-work or shit-family or…

The part that I hate about this is that it feels like I don’t deserve to complain.  There are so many people in shit-situations right now who would trade their place for mine.  I’m sure there are people who had to get up way too early, will have to work way too long, will go to sleep way too late.  These are the people for whom (or for who, it’s not like I’m a teacher or anything…) I feel guilty for wasting this vacation, even minutes of it, because many people would kill to have this opportunity to rejuvenate.  I want to be only grateful and appreciative for this chance to catch some well-deserved time to enjoy, to catch up on burning some candles, to look up.

Perhaps they would say that I deserve this vacation too, that given how hard things have been, I deserve this time off to recuperate as well.  And that’s probably true.  So I will try…

“I will gain in sitting this week.  We will gain in me resting this week.  It will make me a more patient and capable teacher, husband, friend, brother, son and human being.  And importantly, I deserve downtime (even if it has to be scheduled).”

Day 101/102

I’ve been thinking about what I want in my life, what we want in our lives.  After speaking with my wife about her struggles to keep her goals in mind, I suggested that she start her day in front of her hope wall, which is essentially a list of what she wants out of her life and our lives, what she wants to be.

In the same way, when I fall into the automatic way of living as opposed to conscious living, I lose sight of the goals, tools, etc.  This auto-pilot mode contains the behaviours I fall back on and get caught in when I don’t have enough time or enough energy (that’s why I’m sure this will be a reminder of previously-written goals).  If I got out of auto-pilot mode, on what would I like to focus?  When that comes to emotional/psychological things, those are easy for me to identify.  I also want to write down the physical goals, so that I can remind myself in tough times that abs aren’t more important than building connections.

GOALS FOR MY (PSYCHOLOGICAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, HOLISTIC) SELF

  • Be emotionally available for my wife, to have the energy to have sex and intimate conversations
    • THEREFORE… I must sit down and rest to reduce stress
  • Be able to readily connect to my feelings, connecting thoughts to them so that I can express and address them
    • THEREFORE… I must journal and take the time to understand the impact of circumstances on my feelings (level of food fuel in my system, level of fatigue)
  • Be able to look up and enjoy the things I am grateful for and appreciative of
    • THEREFORE… use my mantras to “look up” and remind my support system (especially my wife) to remind ME
  • Be happy with who I am, comfortable and not anxious with my beautiful intricacies (i.e. desire to be physically healthy, to eat healthy and good food, to explore foods and healthy living, inability to sit down for long periods of time, with what I want to read,  make decisions and trust their success/failure)
    • THEREFORE… not quite sure about this one, journaling and talking about it does seem to help though
  • Be able to run, run long and run hard
  • Be able to strength gain, so that I can continue to connect to my grandfather through his workout system
    • THEREFORE… fuel my body sufficiently to do these things, gauge my fitness based on improvements in these and not in the mirror or on the scale
    • THEREFORE… I don’t know the perfect sets and reps, my grandfather does
  • Have time to read
    • THEREFORE… prioritize/schedule it!!!

Day 65

11AM:

I don’t know why I’ve started saying to random people “eating disorder” or things of the like.

I need to rephrase this, because the questions don’t help.

Behind door #1: I have gradually loosened myself with regards to this, kind of like what happens when I get in the habit of swearing too much and have to rein it in.  I have allowed myself to be more loose-lipped with telling people about the eating disorder.

Behind door #2: I’m playing a game with people, seeing how many times I can prove myself right that people don’t care.  A somewhat self-fulfilling prophesy as Homeopathic Doctor at the trade show today proved, dodging my “do you have any advice for struggling with an eating disorder and issues with anxiety?” question with, “have you entered our draw for a free consultation session?” = yeah, because the empathy you just showed puts a WHOLE LOT of faith in your doctoral abilities.

Behind door #3: I’m still looking for answers and am taking the shotgun approach of talking to anyone who might provide some suggestions.

And lurking behind door #4: I want people to care about me, and at this point, negative shock value care counts.

I’m not quite sure which it is.  I know that it kind of makes life more exciting, but also I think I’m looking for people to help with the answers, to give me help, crying and screaming for someone to know the answers or be my guide or have some sort of idea of how to help.  But until then, I have to be the central point of recovery, leading me to what came across my mind this morning.  I am comfortable to say the earlier thing: that I need to be the source of my answers (it is also the reason why I will do the Rawlicious 8 PORTIONS+WIGGLE ROOM meal by myself this afternoon, because I know I need to keep it up for the recovery and that [hopefully] I will enjoy it).

Now, instead of taking on the puppy dog of recovery, I am taking on the Cerebus of weighing myself.  I have the propensity to lose myself in weighing myself.  However, I feel comfortable saying that there is a connection when I lose weight to immediate spinniness – not that putting weight on has had a greater effect than loosening restrictions, blurring lines and becoming more comfortable with myself, but that unintentional weight loss does have an impact on my brain’s ability to fight off the blackness.

So, tomorrow I will weigh myself and if I am lower than I have been (let’s say 167), then we go from there and keep the scale.  Otherwise, the scale is going in the trash because while it could be an indicator, it is not the only indicator of how I am doing.  This will be evidence of that – it can be an indicator of my mood, if I have dropped weight.  However, if I haven’t dropped, then it can be taken off the table as an indicator/cause of the spinniness, leaving me no other rational reason to keep weighing myself.

Day 57

8:30AM:

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!  The voice in my head is brutalizing me today.  It started it a little last night and yesterday with the sitting down-itis at work, but it is in full-force today.

My stomach is not defined enough (did ab work two days ago, which always causes false perceptions of FAT, but the blackness doesn’t believe that).  My ass feels like it has been sat down on too long (did squats two days ago, but the blackness doesn’t believe that).  It is the end of the first week back and I’m fucking tired (but the blackness doesn’t believe that).

The fire is in the back of my throat, the tightness in the back of my neck, the light-headedness.  I want to cry; I want to scream, but I mostly want to cry.

I need to eat right now, since I haven’t had breakfast in lieu of sleeping in.  I can’t do that anymore.  Scheduled food next week, alarms for it all.  Starting Monday, 8/2/6/2/6/6+wiggle = all alarmed, all scheduled.  Not because I should, but because it’s what’s best for us.  It would make me less intolerant in the afternoons, less bloated at night, less spinny during the day.  All in all, it would let me find happiness in other things (i.e. I couldn’t concentrate on anything between sex last night and eating at 8PM, which is not a feeling that I like!).

And then I ate and it took a little bit away, but I don’t know if the damage has been done or this is about fatigue and not food.  It feels like one of those days when I need to take a drink at lunch to take the edge off.  And then these came in at 9:30AM.  They didn’t make me feel much better, but sooner or later I will internalize these quotes, get used to them and feel them more (it’s why I want them to end this entry, as opposed to having this end it – to make sure that the blackness won’t have the last word here):

“A little love on a dark day and always remember – you are the best thing I will ever do” – emailed from Mom

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,” said Pooh.

“There there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (emailed from my wife)

Day 56

1PM:

First sex date today!  I want this to be something that takes hold of me, that I can absorb into who I am and make those neural pathways return to me.  I thought that it might feel forced, but I am really looking forward to it, as if I just needed to be reminded of it.  For instance, I dreamt about sex last night; not for long, but long enough for me to remember my wife and I making love in my dreams.  My head, for whatever reason (control of some emotions = control of all emotions; anxiety build-up; pills and fatigue and food…) cancelled out much of my sex drive.  But like the t-shirt that I kept at the bottom of the pile for too long, it seems that when I pull this one out (AKA my head out of my ass, being told to “look up”), I will remember how much comfort it provides, how good it feels, how the release connects us and shows us everything amazing between us includes the physical and sexual.  Even the conversations about sex will start again, increasing the communication level around it, the comfort level around it and the build-up around it.  I can’t wait until we are looking forward to this day and to the point that we don’t need them, but want to keep them around.  Sex dates forever?