I know that I have fallen a little into bad habits over the last two days. Between an exorbitant amount of marking and travelling, I have not been focused on recovery, on reclaiming healthy. I have not been eating three meals a day plus a snack or two. I have been doing the lunch and giant end-of-day meal, with drinking in between. The drinking wasn’t as bad and the lines were a little softer with the portions, but they were coming a little close yesterday.
My initial reaction is to flog myself, obviously not physically (though the 5:45AM workout could be considered as such). My initial reaction is to talk down to myself, feel guilty about putting everyone through more because I am not strong enough, be pissed off about recovery going slower and being harder. Getting outside of myself, there are some stresses that are not manageable (as I’ve experienced before) – foreign land … two jobs at once … lack of support system and transferring my attention, my intention, my care to another … ok, so it makes sense.
Instead, looking ahead (AKA “moving forward”), I have three days that are relatively scheduled. I will take those three days to realign the compass = focus on breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner (or breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack – four meals being the goal) with two components at each (the way that four of six vegan food groups seems to work out for me – the sweet and savoury, yin and yang, all in one meal).
I don’t know if there is anything from Tao of Pooh that screams relevant with this one, so instead, I will go to the digital post-its I keep on my computer desktop. These words of wisdom, the proverbial “Mother Mary” for the day, I will find strength to do what is needed in them:
“You need to keep telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel guilty. It will be difficult for a long time, but you must push through it for your own welfare” (http://caloriecount.about.com/forums/health-support/anorexia-recovery-feeling-guilty-eating).
“My lingering moments of weakness are directly at odds with both of those missions [recovery and veganism], and make me particularly frustrated for that reason. But I think anyone who’s endeavored to lead a healthy life after disordered eating might be able to relate to the uneasy discord between a full embrace of good health, and the struggle to let go of the things that used to give one’s life a sense of identity and meaning-no matter how falsely.
As always, I treat these moments of struggle as an organic and inevitable part of the recovery process. Recovery is not a black and white before and after; it’s a journey, and the journey involves missteps and stumbles and occasional moments of looking back at the terrain you’ve covered, thoughtfully and with a touch of nostalgia. I never used to think it was possible to feel nostalgia or longing for any period of one’s life except the happy ones, but I realize that this isn’t the case. Even so, I’ve often been surprised this year by how far I’ve come in my relationship with food, my body, and my commitment to health. I’m so much further along than I used to be, and have made progress even through some stressful times that might have ordinarily triggered me. I am profoundly grateful for this, and can only accept and acknowledge the moments of struggle as they go by” (http://www.choosingraw.com/recovery-musings-learning-to-fully-embrace-health/).
“Remind yourself ‘I’m going to be ok” and “I’m not crazy.’ This is a normal part of the recovery process” (http://www.eatingdisordersupport.co.uk/self-help/grounding).
“There are times when you still think you might have eaten too much that day or a particular outfit makes you look larger or when you’ve gone for an extra stroll around the block because you ate more than usual. Perhaps you’ve still been rigid about some things – eating regularly, or having safe foods or attempting to eat less than others. But look at you – thinking clearly, feeding your body because your body deserves to be fed and looked after because it is PRECIOUS and VALUABLE. As are you, and you know that.
And please, please, PLEASE do not forget how infinitely valuable you are” (http://risforrecovery.wordpress.com/2012/12/10/dear-you-for-those-relapsing-or-struggling/).