You used to stem the tide, now you cause the flood.
You used to be the solace between the tears, now that you’re silent, you cause them.
You used to be…
Now, you made me cry in a grocery store. Only two others have made me do that: my wife and my job. Two things I gave my soul to, bared myself wholly; two things that at one point or another, broke my heart.
I’ve written about my Aunt and Uncle before, when there was an email birthday message and an apology for a neglected birthday phone call. They were the ones I had during my trying years of parental alcoholism, neglect and forgetfulness – my safe place. Not because it was physically away or a land of perfection, but because it was brighter, kinder. It was an early conception of vivid – not perfect, but perfect for me.
The recent years have not been kind. The guise of commercialism as professionalism became professional-grade commercialism. It took away their -ness, their kindness, their vividness, their T’zu-ness.
Now, they tell the eating disorder-recoverer in front of them that the ham and mac-and-cheese was made just for me; that as they take food out of the oven, they beg forgiveness for forgetting about me; that at their most intentioned, they look to feed the conception of me and not ME. Now, they look for me to stand out in the cold. Let me tell you, your place is no more warmer, not anymore.
I write this knowing that I will talk about it [AN ASIDE: I write this and have decided what will happen after 365 days = there will be a 366. Even though it is sometimes hard to keep it up, by structuring it every day, writing is there when I need it – lines to bring my colour into focus, into vivid; a tool of recovery to avoid becoming a fool to the blackness]. I will talk about it because there is a future, I have hope and faith in that.
It’s a risk, but so is giving all I have to two others that have broken my heart. It’s a matter of hope – hope that we will all fit again, hope that the tears forming in my eyes as I write this will be never again, hope that we will be stronger together that apart.
I love you both dearly, and that’s why this hurts so goddamned much.