Day 337

8:30AM:

I am not infallible.  I try to live up to my mantras, not always able to live by them – they often are the lines that allow me to be who I want to be, to be the ME version of ME that I know I can be, the one who she loves and adores.  If I could always live by them, never be affected by the world, then I would truly be for the world and not of it, giving to it without receiving the love or pain that comes with being a part of it.

Today would have been Pierre Elliott Trudeau’s 95th birthday.  He might be Canada’s greatest Prime Minister to date – championing multiculturalism, inclusivity and (arguably) the Canadian spirit.  Trudeau, in his 1984 farewell speech to the Liberal Party, said, “Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die.”  This was a mantra of his.

However, he was not infallible either.  He wanted to live up to this, knowing that he could not always live by it.  In his anger, in his emotion, he made mistakes.  The one-finger salutation he gave to protesters in British Columbia is remembered; the fact that they were screaming anti-francophone slurs is not.  Last week, I let myself get so tired that I made an error in judgement.  Doing the right thing, but in the wrong way, my metaphorical finger was greater than its message.

In this next stage of recovery, we will try to foster an environment that prevents me from getting so exhausted, so unchecked, that the mistakes black out the message.  This means boundaries, stop-gaps and lines that help support the anti-stress movement, and (as I wrote yesterday) moving ahead, it means further thought about what to do about this whole stress thing (since the stop-gaps support the symptoms more than the disease).

But in this next recovery stage, our hopes are high.

In this next recovery stage, our faith in ourselves is great.

In this next recovery stage, our courage is strong.

And as always, our dreams for this beautiful bubble will never die.

I will continue to try to live up to my mantras, to live up to the person I want to be.  And whenever doubt creeps in, whenever blackness infects that hope and our dreams, in the words of Trudeau: “JUST WATCH ME!”

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