Day 329

6PM:

I just left the restaurant.  I just barely held on.  Together, the 4PM “lunch” and the 3:30PM Naturopath appointment gave me enough strength to be who I needed to be, who I want to be, who I find value in being.  But just barely.  If anything, I wasn’t strong enough.  I am not sure if my wife actually felt better or worse after I left, because I couldn’t hold it all in, I couldn’t keep it all together.  I couldn’t be her puzzle piece, having been worn away too much by the last month, worn away by the fact that I have had one day off in the last thirty-eight (and some of those on days have started at 5AM and ended much too late).

If I want to be the Don for her, for my family, I need to be strong enough to be that.  Taking today’s words from the Naturopath, I need to take care of myself to take care of others.

If I want to be the Lorax who speaks for the unspeaking, the champion of equity and all things good (truth, justice and all that jazz…), I need to be strong enough to be that.  I need to take care of myself to take care of others.

Part of the next phase – the next step in recovery – will allow me to do so, to be those things, to take care of others.

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