It is amazing the speed at which hunger returns when you let it, as opposed to letting mechanics, external controls, too-strong lines (confines is more like it, at least for the now version of me, the present colours of my soul). When we opened that door, re-opening it to reclaim healthy — holy shit, is it ever overwhelming. I can eat breakfast late, but be hungry for lunch an hour and a half later — this overwhelms me, it scares me. I can eat lunch late, having only had a snack for breakfast (marking Summer School midterms yesterday morning = not a whole lot of interest in stopping to eat and truth be told, didn’t really feel all that hungry) and be craving something between lunch and dinner — this overwhelms me, it scares me (however, logically, eating a meal at lunch and two half meals – barely – is right about the amount that I was eating before the giant end-of-day meal last week). But in summary, this is fucking overwhelming. The blackness has a hold on the anxiety, on the fear and it is Jack-the-Ripper-ish in its evisceration of my me-ness.
There is a new voice within, one that has been screaming. Is that you, hunger? That isn’t binge-eating or thoughtless consumption or lack of structure or lack of mindfulness – that’s actually how hungry I am, how hungry I feel? Have you been there all along? Have I just not been listening? Have I tried to control you?
I am relearning how to listen to myself — how fucked up is that!?! It is the path to reclaiming healthy and finding the lost bits of myself, the bits that once were and the bits that never could be there because of the blackness. I have wanted to jump back into portion counting over the last 2-3 days because I’m not eating enough. I am not eating frequently enough, because I am scared by it. I do not allow myself to eat because I am scared, scared to give in, scared that it will… it is tough to explain, it is irrational, I don’t know why really. I hear the voice within, that hunger voice, and more times than not, I don’t indulge because I’m scared.
I am floored by the frequency at which I hear you. I am floored by the frequency at which I have to feed you. I am surprised by the amount that I have to eat to quiet you down properly, as opposed to dousing the fire with coffee or exercise or ignorance. But I shouldn’t be that floored, should I? I shouldn’t be that surprised because even logically, this makes sense. The practical nature of feeding every few hours scares the me that’s used to eating without intuition. However, logically, eating four meals of two medium-sized parts along with a snack, is right about the amount that I was eating last week (one meal of two medium-sized parts and one gigantic meal of the rest – ok, along with way too much booze to fill in the blanks). But that’s not what that’s about in the end.
It is about listening to myself, my urges, my hungers, my desires, my soul and my truth, not my fears or anxieties or black bits. Because reclaiming healthy is about the truth in my soul. So I will try to listen better, because we all know that I’ve been able to hear you. For the most part, I’ve lied about those hunger desires – I’ve heard you, I just haven’t listened and in doing so, I am now unable to even hear the other voices: sex, fatigue, illness, sadness. I believe hearing those again (because listening to them is what I’ve been waiting for) is about listening to the food desires that I’ve focused on ignoring for so long.
Reclaiming healthy is about feeding those desires, those true desires that truly make soul food.