Day 224

6:30AM:

I want to know that there is a day without worry, without doubt.  I want to know that there is a day that I can spend following my feelings again, trusting them unequivocally and without hesitation.  I want to find someone that will explain how to do that, will shed some light on this uncertain path of recovery.  I want to know that I can get lost again, lost and not worrying about looking left or looking right, instead just looking up.  I want a day without connections or patterns, a day when ahead isn’t an issue, when my worrisome mind isn’t three steps ahead and as such, my heart is left behind.  A day where I forget about eating disorders or mental health issues or bitching about work or scaring myself into looking in the mirror.  A day where hope doesn’t exist, not because it is dark, but because hope isn’t hoped for, something better isn’t worried about – a day where hope isn’t needed or sought or required.

I want a day without worry again.  I want a day of peace.  The more and more I live calculating, calculating calories and wrinkles and exercise and worthiness through doing, the less and less I believe this day will be.  The more and more I live like this, the more and more I believe this day will come the day after my last.

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