I want to know that there is a day without worry, without doubt. I want to know that there is a day that I can spend following my feelings again, trusting them unequivocally and without hesitation. I want to find someone that will explain how to do that, will shed some light on this uncertain path of recovery. I want to know that I can get lost again, lost and not worrying about looking left or looking right, instead just looking up. I want a day without connections or patterns, a day when ahead isn’t an issue, when my worrisome mind isn’t three steps ahead and as such, my heart is left behind. A day where I forget about eating disorders or mental health issues or bitching about work or scaring myself into looking in the mirror. A day where hope doesn’t exist, not because it is dark, but because hope isn’t hoped for, something better isn’t worried about – a day where hope isn’t needed or sought or required.
I want a day without worry again. I want a day of peace. The more and more I live calculating, calculating calories and wrinkles and exercise and worthiness through doing, the less and less I believe this day will be. The more and more I live like this, the more and more I believe this day will come the day after my last.