Day 214

10AM:

The fact that my heart is in my throat right now, has been ever since I started driving to this place this morning… I want to think about something else.

On Friday, for some air and attempt at weightlessness, I went out to lunch with Workout Friend.  It was comfortable, it was honest.  No, it was not 100% dish-fest (I did not fully indulge his questioning about Work Boss’ incapabilities), but it was comfortable.  One of the reasons being: veganism is more comfortable to speak about now.  Having been on this journey for three months now, it is something that I truly believe has been a part of me for a while.  I can speak with him about the anxieties that I feel, without feeling ostracized.  Perhaps this is because he makes me feel this way, that I am comfortable speaking with him about it; or perhaps it is because vegan is me.  Perhaps, it is because I have found a part of the ME version of ME that the blackness had taken away the potential for.  While the blackness did not take my veganism away from me, it did take away the potential for me to become kinder in my eating habits.  The eating disordered history prevented me, scared me (given the impact on others) from taking that step.

After growing over the last 214 days, I am comfortable.  Reclaiming healthy meant diving head-first into veganism and leaving myself vulnerable and open to love.

Perhaps this comfort can be both: I am speaking to my friend, and I am glad to be a friend to my former food.

Perhaps being vegan gives me the confidence to be ME – healthy, thoughtful and organized, kind with my eating – and as the days go on… happy.

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