Day 198

9PM:

The grass is always greener, isn’t it.

No matter how many leaps ahead I take with respect to accepting my eating habits – not the disordered parts, but the preferences of large meals over small snacks, of sweet over savoury, of fruit/vegetables over meat, of having some sort of meaning to my eating other than me (veganism) – I still question them sometimes.

I question them because “the grass is always greener.”  I question them because there is always something more “perfect,” for people like me, for recovering recoverers like me.

I think about all this as I sit finishing a large meal, thinking about whether or not I could have redistributed the food more evenly around the day.  Thinking is a kinder word than what I am doing though.  I feel badly, I am making myself feel badly because of SHOULDS, not because I am thinking about what is ME.

I know all of this and I am self-talking all of this, and yet, the grass is always greener for recovering recoverers like me…

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