Day 198

9PM:

The grass is always greener, isn’t it.

No matter how many leaps ahead I take with respect to accepting my eating habits – not the disordered parts, but the preferences of large meals over small snacks, of sweet over savoury, of fruit/vegetables over meat, of having some sort of meaning to my eating other than me (veganism) – I still question them sometimes.

I question them because “the grass is always greener.”  I question them because there is always something more “perfect,” for people like me, for recovering recoverers like me.

I think about all this as I sit finishing a large meal, thinking about whether or not I could have redistributed the food more evenly around the day.  Thinking is a kinder word than what I am doing though.  I feel badly, I am making myself feel badly because of SHOULDS, not because I am thinking about what is ME.

I know all of this and I am self-talking all of this, and yet, the grass is always greener for recovering recoverers like me…

Day 197

1:30PM:

This email I sent made someone smile today.  A small effort on my part, a small (very small) devotion of brain power, a small gesture.  A giant impact though, a giant smile, a step in the direction of paying it forward:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I hope your day is grand

and I want to say THANK YOU!

IAN#1

Maybe this smile will lead to another smile and another smile and another…

Day 195/196

I knew that this would take a few days to spin around in there…

What do you call Random Acts of Kindness that aren’t so random?  Acts of Kindness that have intention, that have thought and heart…

Intentional Acts of Kindness?  But the IAK is an iShares US Insurance ETF, and finances often (but not always) are counter-intuitive to the concept of kindness…

Intentional Acts of Happiness (IAH)? Well, that’s the George Bush International Airport and I think the issue with that is fairly self-explanatory…

Intentional Acts of Niceness = I love it

Reclaim healthy by redefining happiness

Reclaim healthy through IAN

Day 194

5:30PM:

I just heard this story on the radio: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/millionaire-hides-envelopes-cash-san-francisco-article-1.1805974

What an idea.

Measuring your life in smiles instead of dollars; success being redefined by love and happiness and kindness.

Measuring the good we do, not the goods we make.

Reclaiming healthy, by making happiness a priority, niceness a priority, kindness a priority.

The ideas are percolating…

Day 193

5PM:

Words without actions are like style without substance.  There is a mirage of beauty, but beneath there is empty: empty promises, empty threats, empty heart.

I have felt that less and less with my marriage recently.  There have been slip-ups, but mostly they are countered in the grand scales of things.  Don’t get me wrong, there is no balance sheet, just a feeling.  Feeling like actions make the words matter; the words have always been there, but the actions give them meaning, give them feeling.

Today my wife opened up a reminder of these feelings, these actions.  They were only words, but the actions behind the words made them feel, made them matter, showed the heart, justified the faith in love.

Day 192

6:15PM:

Other people are my reasons for being a better person, a better man AKA a more ME version of me, a truer version of ME, the ME I/we want to be.

This is not a bad thing.  I am sure of this.

My Mom being my reason for eating dinner and “dessert” as opposed to one big meal at the end of the day, this is not a bad thing.

My wife being my reason for doing the same, for making sex dates, for seeking help and pushing our limits with blacklists, these are not bad things.

They help us grow.

They help us be more US versions of US.

They make us happy.

So fuck the idea of “doing this for me.”  That may work for some and it may work for me some of the time.  But for the most part, I do it because I love people.  I am happy because the best way to cheer myself up is to try to cheer someone else up, whether by taking their on-call, bringing them coffee, cleaning the sinks, sending them flowers, cooking cookies that a bitch-ass grandmother won’t let them eat or asking about their family.

I am not an island; I may be apart, but my happiness has stemmed and will always stemmed from others.  These people, those that I love, those that I could love and even those that I don’t love, but who deserve love, these are the people that are my reasons.  These are my reasons for wanting to be me.  These are my reasons for wanting to BE.

Day 191

8:45PM:

I love my Mom.

I miss my Mom.

I need my Mom.

I am telling you so I don’t have to break down with her, make her feel it, make her ignore my brother for my sake.

I will take this, hold onto this.

I am writing this so I can look back and hold on, hold on through the loneliness and the frostiness so that I can be the man they need me to be.

I love.