Day 138


Earlier posts got hijacked by the shit, and even though I want to scream and I want to cry about missing being able to trust having a safe place in the world and I want to be disheartened today, I want to fucking write about something happy today.


I had my very first “why are you vegan?” conversation recently – a very nice one, keep in mind (a very kind, thoughtful virgin experience, much less scarring than other first-times, I’m sure!).  As I’ve written before, take away my viewing of veganism as a potential “magic pill” for my disordered eating history (trust me, I wish it was, I cry that it’s not), it fits.  I am strong enough now to know (or come as close to knowing as I can) that I would do it, and that it has nothing to do with disordered eating.  It has to do with love.

For me, veganism has to do with love for the environment – “eating less—and preferably no—meat, eggs and dairy products can help reduce both manure and oil spills. (More than one-third of the fossil fuels produced in America are used to raise animals for food. It takes approximately 10 times more fossil fuels to produce meat than to produce vegan foods” (  It has to do with love for animals – according to PETA, vegans save almost 200 animals each year (  It has to do with animals that I love being treated worse than humans that I hate (still trying the happy, but have to play with the emotionally-fragile cards I’ve been dealt today).  Back to the point: for me, veganism has to do with love.

I’m not ignorant enough to say, I wouldn’t miss meat; just the same way that I’m not ignorant enough to say ice cream doesn’t taste awesome.  The former is to veganism what the latter is to my desire to live a healthy lifestyle.  I believe that I’m strong enough, that I’m wise enough, that I’m self-aware enough, that I’m far enough on the path of recovery to make these sensible choices for the right reasons.  Healthy living is part of me, it fits and I’ve come to terms with this (kind of, sort of, some of the time; at least, when the blackness isn’t in control).  I feel like veganism fits too.

I will need to be careful.  This is also where the wisdom comes in (AN ASIDE: there is a voice in my head, the hyper-vigilant voice that wants certainty in this, that wants to know that veganism is not going to be used as a tool for the blackness; however, I can’t live with the deficit mindset that I will fail; I need the growth mindset that I can, that with the tools in my recovery box and support system – whenever they re-emerge wholeheartedly – I am wise enough to make these decisions).  I’ve come to terms with the fact that healthy living and eating can be hijacked by the blackness, that it can steal control of it away from me to be evil and leave more claw marks on my soul.  I will need to be careful about veganism being me, not being a tool against me.

Why am I going vegan?  Because it has been a part of me that the blackness took away, a part of me that is love, that is part of the ME version of ME, that fits and that I’m reclaiming.

Fuck you blackness.


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