Day 128

4:30AM:

There is a dream – a dream that veganism is the silver bullet, but not in the way that I expected.  Not in the way that the freedom of veganism – in terms of calories – will allow me to eat whatever I want and not gain weight, to not lose muscle mass, to not lose control of my “daily caloric intake.”  This silver bullet is more complex.

I love animals.  I hate that a being compassionate enough to demonstrate unconditional love (since humans are full of conditions) get killed for our benefit.  Popular thinking or not, there are more humans that I dislike than animals.  I feel worse about losing my temper with animals than humans.  Humans have the cognizance to decide, animals do not appear to have the same ability.  I have always felt this and after reading what I’ve read (Eating Animals) and watching what I’ve watched (Forks Over Knives), the treatment of animals needs to change.  We treat animals – beings with the ability to love unconditionally – like commodities.  That is wrong, to me.

However…

I have felt unable to veer into this world due to my history of disordered eating.  On the surface, a recovering orthorexic should not get into a system of restrictive eating (as veganism is, like it or not).

However…

I will frame it as such: veganism, for me, is an indication that I have the strength/courage to change what I can and the wisdom/respect to know what I cannot.  I want to do good.  I want to good for animals.  I want to be able to say that despite my eating disorder history and tendencies, I will be (no, am!) able to say: “my blackness wants me to restrict the amount of veggies I have on that sub sandwich over my desire to save the animals.”

That’s what I mean about the silver bullet.  The thoughts of transitioning to veganism stem from my heart, rather than my blackness.

Veganism = my heart.

My heart = love.

Love = silver bullet.

Silver bullet = veganism.

And as we have visited in the past, love is never wrong.

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