Day 122

10:30AM:

I don’t know when I lost the ability the sit down comfortably.

When I was in University, I was able to watch movies back-to-back-to-back or eat through TV shows like a starving freshman through Kraft Dinner.  Then I started walking, restricting my food intake, only eating when I got dizzy.

By the time my wife and I started dating, I had regained that ability.  Crappy movies that apparently I had missed during my childhood (which after watching, I’m sorry to say, are still crappy movies) and those glorious Netflix-sourced TV shows – I was comfortable laying in her arms and losing sleep doing this (ok, other things too!).  Then I started teaching, restricting my food intake, finding endless chores to add to the list.

Last year, I fought to regain it once again.  I allowed myself to sit and read over the weekend: I read Perks of Being a Wallflower in one sitting, I watched “Game of Thrones” Season 2 end-to-end (dragons are awesome, too many characters are not).  It felt like a fight, but one that I – that we – were winning.

Over the last few months, I feel like I’ve lost the ability to comfortably sit again.  It not only feels like I am doing something wrong in sitting, but it feels uncomfortable.  My head connects it to calories because that is so much more logical than defining me as a bad person for sitting, than hearing shame from the blackness because I am enjoying sitting down.

I am very sad right now as a result of this.  I am very sad that I am losing the opportunity to look up with my wife, with my nephew, with my family and with my friends as a result of this.  I am very sad that I am going back to work tomorrow after a week off and I feel exhausted because I haven’t sat and rested.  Don’t get me wrong, I have sat, but it has felt forced, it has been a fight, it has beaten me up.

I want to sit and not be sad again.  I am strong enough to do this, I have shown that.  I just am a little lost and a lot of sad.

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