Day 120

11:30AM:

There is truth in emotion, even the scary kinds of emotion.  You just have to find it.

When my wife and I fight, I think about hurting myself.  Definitely not suicide, but distracting myself from the emotional pain with physical pain.  Perhaps it is thinking it will be easier to deal with, but that just isn’t the case.  It is just avoiding the harder pain, letting it fester and become something toxic if ignored = this emotion needs to be dealt with…

So here’s why I think it happens: between work and family and a shit-ton of other factors, my wife and I – our relationship, our place – is my safe place.  The space she and I have together is what keeps me sane, what makes me feel like I have a place in this world.  When that space seems loveless and these emotions come to light (or pitch-black, blinding darkness), it takes away my last chance, the only place my armour comes down completely and where I can feel vulnerable.  At that time, where else is there to go but inside.  Inside me.  It is why I feel like all my muscles contract and I constrict deeper into myself.  The blackness engulfs me with its blue fire – that kind of cold fire that is bitterly warming.  But it will become toxic, gangrenous even…

I love her with all my heart.  There are still scars from the sins of the last year and a half that will take a great deal more time to fix and fade.  My head turning to self-harm in times of distress is one of these scars, a scary one and one that I could do without…

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