Day 116

12PM:

It is the first day of March Break.  It is a day that should scream EXHALE!  REDO: it is a day that I want to scream EXHALE.

And yet, totally NOT HAPPENING!!!

It is tightening my shoulders, vicegripping my spinal cord; I can feel the blackness’ grip strangling my soul, making it hard to breathe in the fresh air that the holiday provides.  Maybe it’s because I’m getting sick or feeling the wear of shit-work or shit-family or…

The part that I hate about this is that it feels like I don’t deserve to complain.  There are so many people in shit-situations right now who would trade their place for mine.  I’m sure there are people who had to get up way too early, will have to work way too long, will go to sleep way too late.  These are the people for whom (or for who, it’s not like I’m a teacher or anything…) I feel guilty for wasting this vacation, even minutes of it, because many people would kill to have this opportunity to rejuvenate.  I want to be only grateful and appreciative for this chance to catch some well-deserved time to enjoy, to catch up on burning some candles, to look up.

Perhaps they would say that I deserve this vacation too, that given how hard things have been, I deserve this time off to recuperate as well.  And that’s probably true.  So I will try…

“I will gain in sitting this week.  We will gain in me resting this week.  It will make me a more patient and capable teacher, husband, friend, brother, son and human being.  And importantly, I deserve downtime (even if it has to be scheduled).”

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