I wanted to write this before my wife woke up today, since it is a reflection of the past two days and I didn’t want it to pollute today with its darkness.
On Friday and Saturday, the world battered me (or to more accurately coin a metaphor, took a 2×4 and took turns using my heart like a piñata – a double figurative device!) – between the end of the work week, my parents dealing with my brother’s mental health issues (he is currently on a semi-recurring day pass, meaning that my parents are never sure if my still – but less so – unstable brother will be dive-bombing their house that day) and my wife, who was supposed to be my happy and to be the thing that put a smile on my face, but instead she piled on.
After all of this shit-ton of bile and poison, it would be so easy (too easy) to say “fuck you,” pick myself up and be done with support systems, be done with people doing me wrong, be done with looking to others to lend a hand. In the short term, it would help, but in the long term, it would make me numb. The second that I decide that I’m going to depend on myself (and myself alone) to be strong, to be the thing that picks me up, that very second will mark the descent down a very slippery slope. It will mean that I have stopped falling for lies and being people’s second chance (or the thing they screw-up on before getting it right). However, by not letting other people try to pick me up, I would lose my place in the world. I would lose the hurt that it inevitably will provide, but I would no longer be part of the beauty it has to offer either – and that is not something I want to lose again.
So when it hurts as bad as it does right now, I need to write down these things to remind me of that beauty, to remind me to hope and have faith in love. Otherwise, in times like these when I am stuck deep in the well, with no flashlight and little oxygen and feeling like there is no safe place left, I would let the blackness lead me further. In times like these, the blackness would lead me into isolation and numb and lovelessness. It would lead me away from love and care, and that is always wrong.