Day 111/112

How much easier would life be if you could just trust people?  Someone made the comment to me a few minutes ago (after explaining the absolute, unadulterated fuckery that is happening in to me right now professionally [AKA not having colleagues have your back, clearly not giving a shit that you are figuratively bleeding from every artery]) that I should trust people.  She felt that I should believe that people weren’t trying to fuck me over (which is clearly happening), that people aren’t willing to put others above themselves (which the involved many are guilty of), that people wouldn’t throw you under the bus like a first or second episode reject from Top Chef (which happened thrice in the last week).

I have historically been filled with distrust: of others, of their motives, of positive outcomes, of diagnoses, of myself.  It took a leap of faith once for me to wholeheartedly trust another – my wife – and she crushed that last year by cheating on me.  It is taking an even bigger leap of faith to trust that she won’t do it again, that we can not only recover from it but be stronger and a clearer, more just us version of us (AN ASIDE: I think it is actually easier to take this leap than the leap it is taking to trust myself – I love my wife and so it is easier to see the benefits of trusting her, of seeing the smile on her face, of watching our relationship grow than do that within myself.  I will need to come back to this thought…).

After finding out a little more about the work situation, it is quite clear that my colleagues didn’t think maliciously.  In fact, they didn’t think about me or my Work Friend (my screwed-over compatriot) at all.  I think that might be more distressing, the fact that it didn’t even cross their minds that the impact of their actions would affect others.  All told, I am usually right (not all the time, as was the case with my Mom and the situation with Family Friend a few weeks back, but usually).  I can usually count on my Gibbs-ean gut to guide me in the right direction when it comes to trusting the world outside my head.  I was right here and that sucks.

If we could blindly trust the world to be kind, to be generous, to be capable, to be honest, to be respectful, to be trustworthy…

Utopia – that is part of utopia to me.  That’s a place where I could let go and breathe and look up, where the hypervigilance wouldn’t have a reason.  That’s more of a place in which I want to love; it is what we believe that we deserve in our relationship = trust.  That’s also more of a place in which I want to work; I do not have that here.

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