Day 109

3:30PM:

It is so hard to get on top of things.  I really, really want to read, but feel like I don’t have the energy to when I get home at the end of the day.  This isn’t a new feeling; it’s one I have been having for the last few weeks.

Here is the irony though: yesterday, I went through three resting candles (I had four to burn, not bad though) and suffered through most of the day.  My head made me anxious about sitting down and no form of distraction could stop it.  As a result, I couldn’t enjoy catching up on TV with my wife.  I couldn’t pick up the first non-self-help book I have wanted to read over the last few months.  I couldn’t relax.  And I do want to do these things and I know that they will be medicine for my fatigue and impending sickness (I can feel it in my eyes and ears, the tidal wave is coming and the dam will break – probably in time for the weekend!), but when I have the chance like yesterday, I can’t concentrate on enjoying any of them!  On the other hand, when I don’t have the time (like right now, after running around all day and feeling a charcoal-charred level of worn out inexplicable for a Monday after yesterday’s rest), I want to concentrate on them.

This is the conclusion I will draw, the path I will carve; I will frame it as the following: the relaxing I do now, even if imposed/scheduled, will benefit in the short and long term.

  1. I will catch up on my rest.  By forcing myself to recharge, it will allow me to look up, but not yet.  Relaxing right now, until I recharge my batteries past the red-line I’m in right now, feels like work.  It doesn’t feel like I can look up during this time because I am so very much concentrating on not collapsing or spiralling downward.
  2. Once the rest is caught up and batteries recharged, looking up will be an enjoyable, exciting foregone conclusion.

This seems dumb, but it’s true.  The distraction of fatigue is preventing me from being able to look up, to have the time and energy to look up when I have the chance.  Yesterday was an opportunity to enjoy my wife, to enjoy the weekend, to enjoy the things that we enjoy!  But by being too tired, resting felt like medicine and distracted me from (and therefore wasted) enjoying the day.  By making rest a habit (a scheduled one for now, but as mentioned a couple of days ago, it soon becomes a best friend) and prioritizing it in some form every day, I will be rested enough to enjoy the time off, my wife, the things that we enjoy.  I have had this before and I sure as fuck will have it again; the blackness will not strip this from me too.

I will be rested enough to appreciate the world around me, to look up and be grateful for the opportunity to enjoy.  I will love this, and as rivers (and Winnie the Pooh) know, we shall get there some day.

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