Day 107

4PM:

The keynote speaker at the conference I am at today just asked the question: what jobs will be obsolete in the next ten years?

I want to apply this to my situation: what proclivities will no longer be taboo in the next ten years?  What hang-ups will be obsolete?  Here’s an example of what I mean.  I bought pizza yesterday for a meeting, bringing two party-size pepperonis and for the vegetarians, one cheese.  In ten years, will one of those pizzas be vegan?  In ten years, will one of those pizzas be gluten-free?  Currently, those are fringe… will they not be?

I feel so fucking uncomfortable with my eating habits.  I still do.  Even after yesterday’s realization of comfort with my physically-based tools to combat stress being no different (and therefore not connected to orthorexia or eating disorders) than my other tools, I still feel uncomfortable with my eating habits.  It’s true that I don’t all the time.  I do “fake it to make it” when I can, using the words that explain how crappy it feels to eat crap, how it helps me accomplish my physical goals but that it doesn’t get in the way of my emotional goals, how I enjoy it.  However, I especially feel this discomfort when I am under-fed or over-stressed, and I am starting to realize that this won’t go away anytime soon, if at all.

But what if the world changed?  What if healthy eating habits were more normalized as opposed to idealized, more integrated as opposed to put on a pedestal?  Going back to my homosexual analogy, the individual in the closet who is full of shame and who has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO FEEL SHAME ABOUT would be able to be comfortable in their own skin if the world decided gay was okay.  Interracial relationships were banned legally and socially, until they weren’t.  No longer would these couples feel bad about falling in love, two things that should NEVER FUCKING CONNECT.  In my case, I need to have the courage and strength to understand that I know the line between healthy eating and disordered eating, I have gained the self-awareness (AKA wisdom) to respect my tendencies to veer into the latter when stressed, to understand my triggers and to see the signs of slippage.

Do I really want to wait for the world to normalize something that I already know is normal?

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