Day 103


Right now, as I wait for my lunch to finish microwaving, I am asking myself whether or not restrictive-based eating (as I’ve said before, any system of eating is) has restricted my cognizance of my hunger.

For example, I would not say that I am extremely hungry right now, even though I haven’t eaten since 7AM.  However, I just yelled in the air at the fact that I spilled a little bit of my lunch out of the microwaved bowl…  I wouldn’t exactly say that this is me having a clear mind.  This is the type of behaviour coming out of a HUNGRY PERSON.  So what does it say about my emotional cognizance and awareness that I cannot even tell that this reaction is coming?

I also found this to be the case a few days ago.  I called my grandparents to talk to them about my brother and (oh, by the way, I didn’t eat dinner and it was 8:00PM) lost my shit when my grandfather got a little overzealous about his opinions.  The opinion isn’t important, but the fact that I interrupted him and was less political about expressing my (justifiable) offence to his position, that fact is what is important right now.  This completely snuck up on me.  I didn’t think that I was capable of that level of anger and frustration at the time = lack of emotional cognizance and awareness.

Perhaps it is just when I haven’t eaten and I don’t realize how it impacts my feelings.  I can obviously connect the restrictive eating to this (again, I’m not hugely restrictive, but to someone with my predilections, it is a dangerous door to keep open; I always have the potential to fall off the slippery slope down the cliff of disordered eating habits; while we feel this is a sustainable eating pattern, it is also one that is wrought with this potential and therefore something that we have to be aware of existing and make sure that it doesn’t interfere with our goals like sharing good food together and finding interesting things/places to eat).  And maybe I can stretch this logic to when I haven’t rested and I don’t realize how it impacts my feelings.

But is everything connected?  How far can I extrapolate this logic?  Have I restricted so much (food being obvious, but I have also been putting my feelings aside about work-crap for close to 18 months and about my brother – so I can be the person he deserves – for about a month) that I am starting to get emotionally disconnected?  I will have to keep an eye on this…


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