Day 97

10:15AM:

There has been an anxiety in my throat over the last two days.  It isn’t the distress I wrote about a few days ago or the stress connected to work or the anxiety related to eating or moving or perfection; it is my heart.

My heart has been in my throat over the last two days; it landed there for my brother.  I will not say it landed there because of him, because it is his blackness that forced it up there.  However, it is there for my brother, to support him and bring my heart closer to my head, so the two can connect in his greatest time of need.

When my brother’s premature impending release from the Mental Health Ward (72-hour hold running out at noon today) was in the forefront, my heart and head connected as best they could.  They did this so I could be prepared for him, so that I could be strong for him (and for my parents, which ultimately was for him), so that I could separate his blackness from him (which I have had a tough time doing in the recent past – his blackness has been slowly creeping up on him over the last 3-ish months, which doesn’t excuse what he’s done before entirely, since there was more him, but there isn’t very much now and I know that), so that I could put away my selfishness and supplant it with the self-awareness he needs.  He needs me to be aware and thoughtful and loving, in combination, so we can support his recovery as best we can.

This is probably the reason why I no longer have as great a feeling of anxiety right now, because I just got the phone call that the psychiatrist will involuntarily hold my brother.  My brother will not have a choice in the matter and will be required to stay in the hospital.  It might seem callous, but the relief we feel is based in love and care, in the understanding that he is in the place that will get him the help he needs (NO, REDO…

He is in the place that will get him the help he deserves.  He deserves my head to touch my heart in times like this.  He deserves me to be far enough on my own path of recovery, to use the tools and self-awareness I have, to support him.  He deserves love and care.

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