Day 87

12:30PM:

I want to explore my thoughts on the affirmation I got in my email this morning:

“I forgive those who need forgiving, for not being what I wanted them to be.”

I have been let down a lot recently – it was kind of the theme of my yesterday.  The aunt and uncle with whom I spent weeks, months with in the summers of my teenage-dom (to escape the alcoholic father and mother who let me down) treated my existence like any other, they were nice-but-not-caring and appeared oblivious to the disorders they both have seen grow inside me and shape who I am.  My relationships with their children aside, the loving connection I had (and thought I currently have) with them should give them the ability to look at me!  And Family Friend called, wanting to meet three months after we cracked, connected, cried, came to an understanding about what I need from her (or at least, I thought she came on board to the support system team) – but three months of nothing and now it’s convenient for her to care.

This is truly a case of who would I ask to suffer for me?  Who do I want to have there as I regain my strength?  Who will I ask to help re-build my house?  Who do I want to forgive for my sake, my forgiveness being my own (as opposed to keeping this victimization, keeping this burden on me, keeping this constant lashing)?

            Choice 1: keep being a victim, letting it hurt, letting the pain fester.

Choice 2: accept their imperfections (or repairable flaws, I’m not quite sure about which one it is) and let them back in, trusting that if hurt comes, being an unforgiving victim is worse.

Choice 3: accept that they aren’t what I wanted them to be, forgive them and let them go for now.

To be continued…

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