Day 86


There is a biblical quote that’s trumped out at many a wedding (ours included, if I remember correctly): love is patient, love is kind…

Yesterday was busy for me, with a couple of really political, heart-involved moments (at work and with the family).  In fact, the entire week has been fucking exhausting.  Last night, my wife came home from work late, past the point of anything other than helping fold the laundry and hold each other as we collapsed in bed.  Bringing me to now, when even though my wife got out of bed much before me, I called her back in to wake up the right way (holding each other works quite well at this end of the rest as well), in a way that we would both want to remember if it was our last day on this earth.  And I have to admit, I wanted her to have this as she has a tough, but exciting, day ahead of her at work.  Here is where it all could have gone shit-sideways: she only talked about herself and her day ahead.  She didn’t ask about my day, my political messes, my concerns, but that’s ok.  And trust me, it’s a huge step for me to say that’s ok – not a huge step for me, but for us.

Going back to the quote, I would alter it slightly to say that love inspires patience and strength and kindness.  She showed me her love by doing her part around the house this week and subconsciously, this inspired me to be patient.  There was no element of, “well, she held up her end of the bargain and therefore I will do ______.”  Not at all; it was simply inspired out of the love and care she showed for me through those actions, out of the love she showed by fighting through her fatigue to do these things, just the same way that I have tried throughout our time together.  In that way, I could get myself around her focus (because that’s all I want to believe it to be, that’s all I want to trust it to be, focus and not selfishness) and be understanding about it, be patient that we will recap my shit later.  That’s the step for us, that she has started helping me create an environment that allows for that kind of understanding.  She’s showing that my support system is getting stronger through consistent actions of love and not just words of hope.

I am grateful for her doing her part, for showing her love for me in actions, because it means I will rest today.  I will rest today because I can (I don’t have to do her chores) and because I want to be able to repel that exhaustion, that fatigue so that when she needs me to be patient and strong, I can be.  Her actions of love will inspire me to do so.  I can be because her love allows me to.  Her actions of love will inspire me to be strong enough to fight through my neuroses, my blackness, my shit and sit down, rest and regain the ability to show her affection, kindness, patience and love.

Love is the power that will keep us going on my path of recovery.  I will see her with love in my eyes because our love that was once taken for granted (because there is a part of the quote that says love “is not easily angered” and the tough times angered love, which tells you how bad those times were) is now being nurtured through these acts of affection and love.  Love inspires me beyond anything else.  I guess in that sense, love is being kind (and as the end of the quote goes), it protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.


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