Day 83

5PM:

I went through today hungrier than usual.  In between breakfast and lunch (around 11AM), in between lunch and dinner (starting around 4PM), there were definite hunger pangs.  I could feel it in my head too, as well as my tolerance.  However, I tried to experiment with it.

In the past (and the present, and probably in the future), I got really fucking distressed by the feelings like these.  I got hungry, I would get so overwhelmed with guilt or “oh fuck, I’m hungry, this is terrible” shame – weird shit that I’m sure most people don’t go through, based on talking to them about their relationships with food that are healthy (not right or wrong, but would fit for me too).  I talked to myself through it (now, there is the question of whether or not I should have done the test or if I should have just eaten, but I felt like doing it this way, just the same as not weighing myself this morning – because I felt like doing it this way), talked myself down from the distress and the shame: telling myself that these feelings are normal, it is normal to be hungry, it is not a foreign concept to the world or to me for that matter, it is not the end of the world, it is not an indication of anything about my personality or day or worthiness, it is simply that I’m hungry.

It is one of the flaws with the portion-based eating system = restriction is inherent and activity during the day (other than the gym) is not accounted for.  Shoveling snow all day would precipitate greater food intake than a day of computering, but again, no eating system is perfect, but this appears to be the best one for me right now.  Just like the hunger, I have to begin to realize that anxiety is not the end of the world, that not all feelings should lead to anxiety and that I am normal, I am my normal.  I don’t like being hungry all day, nor does it make me a productive or healthy person, so I will carry snacks around in the future (and if I do plan to make lunches 6 portions so that I can have a 2 portion snack if the case presents itself, if I am planning this, it doesn’t make me food-fucked, just planning; many people plan their weekly meals, doing so without shame or anxiety or thoughts of self-harm).  However, if I don’t have them and I do feel hungry, I don’t want to feel like the world is coming to an end or that I would rather hurt myself than feel these things.

“That is not the ME that I want in our lives,” he said so weakly, but with as much courage as he could muster at the present moment.

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