Day 70

8AM:

I feel calmer this morning, more than I have in a bit.  The end of the day may not progress in this direction (ADDED AT 6PM: it didn’t, got spinny and loose-lipped).  Good sleep, possibly more food than usual (but probably not, because I was hungry around the same time and to the same degree in the morning), great night with my wife, no counting (which did cause me to be spinny about it between dinner and after dinner yesterday, but who knows if this is just an exposure thing that we could get over if we chose the no counting route)…  uh oh, not sure which one.  I want to just say, “fuck it, enjoy it,” but I would also like to know for future reference – maybe we need to add boxes to the system or ditch the system or…

It seems like spinning, but it’s not, I’m just trying to find my happy, my calm, my quiet.

Family Doctor thinks that I need medication to find this quiet and take the edge off.  I really don’t blame him, to a degree.  When I have a drink, the edge comes off.  When I exercise, the edge comes off.  When I find therapy, the edge comes off.  Perhaps with a mild medication, the edge will come off permanently, before the acuteness and before the sharpness.  I didn’t take my medication regularly for over a year before stopping completely, so I feel like he is working with false data – I have shared the truth, but my brother’s mental issues are statistically and diagnostically significant.  It is another example of doctors and therapists being excellent in their fields, but they don’t have a ME field to get a doctorate – that’s why it is us that are trying to find my happy, my calm, my quiet.

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