Day 65

11AM:

I don’t know why I’ve started saying to random people “eating disorder” or things of the like.

I need to rephrase this, because the questions don’t help.

Behind door #1: I have gradually loosened myself with regards to this, kind of like what happens when I get in the habit of swearing too much and have to rein it in.  I have allowed myself to be more loose-lipped with telling people about the eating disorder.

Behind door #2: I’m playing a game with people, seeing how many times I can prove myself right that people don’t care.  A somewhat self-fulfilling prophesy as Homeopathic Doctor at the trade show today proved, dodging my “do you have any advice for struggling with an eating disorder and issues with anxiety?” question with, “have you entered our draw for a free consultation session?” = yeah, because the empathy you just showed puts a WHOLE LOT of faith in your doctoral abilities.

Behind door #3: I’m still looking for answers and am taking the shotgun approach of talking to anyone who might provide some suggestions.

And lurking behind door #4: I want people to care about me, and at this point, negative shock value care counts.

I’m not quite sure which it is.  I know that it kind of makes life more exciting, but also I think I’m looking for people to help with the answers, to give me help, crying and screaming for someone to know the answers or be my guide or have some sort of idea of how to help.  But until then, I have to be the central point of recovery, leading me to what came across my mind this morning.  I am comfortable to say the earlier thing: that I need to be the source of my answers (it is also the reason why I will do the Rawlicious 8 PORTIONS+WIGGLE ROOM meal by myself this afternoon, because I know I need to keep it up for the recovery and that [hopefully] I will enjoy it).

Now, instead of taking on the puppy dog of recovery, I am taking on the Cerebus of weighing myself.  I have the propensity to lose myself in weighing myself.  However, I feel comfortable saying that there is a connection when I lose weight to immediate spinniness – not that putting weight on has had a greater effect than loosening restrictions, blurring lines and becoming more comfortable with myself, but that unintentional weight loss does have an impact on my brain’s ability to fight off the blackness.

So, tomorrow I will weigh myself and if I am lower than I have been (let’s say 167), then we go from there and keep the scale.  Otherwise, the scale is going in the trash because while it could be an indicator, it is not the only indicator of how I am doing.  This will be evidence of that – it can be an indicator of my mood, if I have dropped weight.  However, if I haven’t dropped, then it can be taken off the table as an indicator/cause of the spinniness, leaving me no other rational reason to keep weighing myself.

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