Day 64

8:30AM:

More “supposed tos,” I guess.

I am supposed to eat dinner and after-dinner – self-prescribed – but I don’t feel like it many days.  I know that I cannot wait from 12:00-1:00 to 8:00 for a meal (as evidenced by my early evening mood), but if I had a snack around 4:00-4:30, I could definitely wait until 7:00 for dinner.  Perhaps that’s something to try for next week.  I can’t get all wrapped up in “well fuck, I dropped the ball with having dinner and after dinner and eating more than two apples and…”  That was all supposition, potential to work and if it doesn’t work, we fucking change it – that’s the game we’re playing, just as long as we change it, as long as it’s just us.

I am supposed to sleep well if I don’t drink, but that didn’t happen last night.  Up at 3AM, couldn’t get back to sleep.  Grumpy at any noise – which I had originally attributed to being inebriated (glad it’s not and maybe that’s the silver lining to this) – and spinning about food because that’s what’s on my mind.

I am supposed to feel better with the affirmations and the mantras and the downtime and the reading.  But the wearing week brought me to tears yesterday and yelling today.  I can feel it in my throat, I can feel it in my head and my back, I can feel the tears or frustration ready to rip me in two – the blackness that just won’t go away.

I want to understand that these three things are not steps backwards; if anything, they are knowing that first time (or 64th) is not the charm.  This is the Re-Education of Me = relearning how to eat, relearning how to feel, relearning how to listen to my body, relearning how to listen to my penis, relearning how to listen to my mind, relearning how to listen to my soul, relearning how to socialize, relearning how to relax, relearning how to be me.  But I am so very worn right now (both from the regular shit and the relearning), wanting to shut out the world and be in my own head, my own secrecy, my own dominion where I can control and not be controlled and hide and cry and not hurt anyone.  But I know I cannot do that.  I know that would fall into the “the longer this takes, the more it takes away category.”  So instead, we learn, we adapt, we move on.  Strength, love and respect = courage, serenity and wisdom.  Please…

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