Day 53


And so it begins: the slow descent into cancer, the predictable malaise, the known drop-off into anger and frustration, the fall back into spinniness and troublesome mind-attacks.  These things haven’t stopped over the Winter Break and therefore I don’t necessarily dread their return as the topic sentence suggests.  However, I am already suppressing my appetite as I sit here and I think that this is part of the blackness, not the fact that I am overly worried about it, but that I am suppressing it to find some control.  Here for an hour and already falling – proof that I need the strategies, the just us plan.  A morbid part of me is interested to see how this tragic fall will occur, yet again.

That’s why I want to revisit the writings of the last fifty-two days, the strategies developed, and bash this fucking blackness into oblivion.  I am fragile though.  After letting myself feel again, holy shit do the emotions ever hurt.  Holy fuck do the hurts ever hurt with the armour gone.

I cried yesterday thinking about my wife’s hope wall and that I am a part of that.  She needs to help fix me, make me whole again, and find the parts of me that got lost in the fire.  I don’t need to the rest of the world to rebuild my house; I could very easily do that on my own and do it faster than any of them together.  But it would be a cold house, it would be an unfeeling house, it would not be a home.  The home needs warmth and love and caring, it needs flaws in the wood and imperfect cabinetry, it needs colour and vibrancy – I will not get these things without others.  Others must help rebuild me, otherwise those things that I lost in the first will never be regained: the fire consumed so much of what I liked about myself, the personality traits that diluted the rigidity and zealotry.  It consumed my ease, my happy, my affection.  I don’t want to lose any more of this to the flames.  I am afraid of losing more of this, of losing the me parts of me that we had come to expect, that we long for and that I hope to hold dear once again.

I am sad.  I need love and warmth and affection and care from others in the world.  I need to be rebuilt by others.


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