Day 49

11:30AM:

Yesterday, for the most part, I didn’t need to distract myself.  My wife was my distraction.  It was a tough day – a seriously tough couple of hours – but I didn’t need to use the mantras much.

I did in church, needing to remind myself that I should sit down beside my wife and not stand in the back.  It didn’t make the experience very easy, it was still hard to sit there through the more painful breakfast experience (of quantity over quality), but the mantras made it easier:

“I gained … in sitting” (the ability to comfort my wife)

“Let go and be here now”

            “Serenity, courage, wisdom”

I guess it was hard for the same reason(s) that it takes so much for her to convince me to feel better.  She will tell me that I am worth it and that sex shouldn’t be an anxious thing, but needs to show me or shout louder because she’s not just convincing me, she’s got to convince or at least drown out the blackness.

Today, I have been needing to remind myself that the timing of food isn’t as important as the purpose of eating: which is more valuable, eating at the precise time or eating with people I love around me, not having them worry about my eating habits and focusing on their compassion/warmth/love/understanding/generosity as opposed to the act of eating?  Still need to keep reminding myself through the butterflies in my stomach though…

I hope that these mantras will allow me to return to the moment more often, to fight through the anxiety of food (counting at the table) and anxiety of sex (fears around kissing).  The blackness is loud though.  I am learning, but holy fuck is it ever hard.

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