Day 46

10PM:

Today was fucking tough.   Today, my durability was put to the test with outside forces making small cuts all over, sometimes blunt batons, other times sharp pierces.  I held up through it, but afterwards, showed definite signs of wear.  My wife calls it my armour and she’s probably right in that analogy = the more hurt I get, the stronger I get to deal with it and get through it successfully (putting on the armour); but once the armour is on, it suffocates emotions and takes time to strip off the layers.  I am full of analogies, but she really hit the mark with this one (kind of explains a lot through my teenage quest against Dad’s drinking and the last year and a half – without making the concerted effort like we are, I am doomed to suffer by this analogy forever).

Alcoholics anonymous and other support groups ask their members to call on a higher power to “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference” and to “live one day at a time.”  Today was really hard, but part of beating the blackness is trusting that (with the support of the non-armoured) I have or am capable of the serenity, the courage and the wisdom, I just have to trust this today and tomorrow and the next day…

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