Day 44

4PM:

A perfect storm occurred, just now, in front of my own two inward-facing eyes.  The stars aligned and I just finishing sitting and reading for over an hour.  And no, I don’t want praise and I don’t want congratulations for this – it seems like something I should be doing, not something that I should be striving for.  Congratulating this seems like the cursory and meaningless “way to go, buddy” bullshit that so many give our Developmentally Delayed students – it takes away from the actual awesome things that they do.

Anyway, even though it was scaffolded to the nines – novelty of a new place, reading a book about an obsessive and self-involved topic (the content of which I’m sure will appear in here tomorrow or the next day), in front of a fireplace, quiet environment, gave blood (which like drinking or euphoric exercise, seemed to quiet my mind enough to allow me to do so, seemed to take the edge off like medication and therapy should/claim to do) – I burned a metaphorical candle.  The thing that impressed me was the fact that I still have “stuff to do” today: put away the groceries, unclog the drains.  But I didn’t do them right away.  My never-ending to do list (or at least, one that ends at 9:30PM and leads me to “oh fuck”) will be there when I return and if it doesn’t get done, I won’t suffer because of it.  Yes, it took a little bit of distraction to get through the initial stages, but once the book started getting engaging, these feelings were put on the back-burner.

I will have gained by doing this.  I have gained the knowledge of a good book, one that I could follow because I wasn’t too tired or tipsy or distractible.  I gained the rejuvenation of relaxation, even an hour, which will let me get in a better workout later today or tomorrow.  I gained the strength to be a little more tolerant, to smile and be stronger for my wife now that she’s home sick.  I will gain the patience not to be irritated by the cats’ loving affections.

Part of me does feel self-conscious.  It tells me that by doing this, I wasn’t doing the right thing or that I wasn’t being productive.  But as the last paragraph showed, I was being productive (I am even getting anxious/nervous about approaching the subject right now, but I will carry on, because it needs to be said “out loud,” so to speak).  In fact, life’s balance sheet would have been:

GAIN

LOSS

– timely putting away of groceries- today’s unclogging of the drains (that have been clogged for a month) – energy expended- patience and empathy

– potential sex drive

– opportunity to enjoy a fire

But instead, it will look like this:

GAIN

LOSS

– energy through recovery- patience and empathy

– potential sex drive

– opportunity to enjoy a fire

– putting away of groceries (not timely, but nothing will spoil in the Winter temperatures)

… ummmmmaybe irritability?

The point is clear, the stars aligned to show me that this is nothing to fear, that even though I am self-conscious about it, I did the right thing today and gained.  I still don’t find true comfort in it, but at least I was very close to being lost in comfort for a little while.

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