Day 40

7PM:

Maybe we will find our salvation in being alone through this.

Every time I see my parents, or my brother, or Family Friend, so much has changed, so much that they haven’t been a part of.  It hurts that they don’t ask and it hurts that it feels like they don’t care enough, because if they did, they would genuinely ask (as opposed to the frequent “nice but not caring”).  It is this self-sufficiency thing again – even though I have told them all I don’t need self-sufficient, I need a support system – that prevents everyone to see the realities of “inside me.”  No matter how many times I remind them to look, they lose the inclination the next time or when the event is big enough.  Turmoil stays turmoil through this, I have asked them to watch me and watch out for this.  Self-reliant I am, but cared for I need.

So she and I tumble through now, more than we ever have and especially more than we did a year ago.  After yesterday, signs point to me not tumbling through this alone anymore.  Not that yesterday was a turning point by any means, but another road sign, another step.  She now knows that holding the flashlight is her job too and many times she will have to fight through her shit to hold it for me, just as I do for her and love doing (AKA not out of obligation of mind, but obligation of heart; a consequence of a love contract forged in wordless emotion).  So we have the ability to find our salvation through this, even if it means self-reliance expands just to within the bubble and not without it.  Sad to think, given everything in paragraph #2, but it will help me know that I will always have her, that I will be able to jump and trust that she will catch me.  As I’ve said before, I could pick myself up, but what type of life would that be?  Definitely not a saved one, just a saving one.

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