Day 36

9:30PM:

PART OF ME KNOWS THIS IS NOT A BADGE OF HONOUR

I went hard today – all day – stopping around 9PM, having gone for about twelve hours straight doing a variety of things (some lovely, others even lovelier – my wife’s dishes to make her smile).  I guess that the exposure therapy goes further than sex and food, it needs to venture into relaxation too.  Just like I can say, “ice cream, cookies… who needs them?”  I can say the same thing about sitting down, watching TV, reading books.  Because I have shut off those pathways in my brain, I don’t recognize the need until it’s too late.

Given my promise, I have three candles to burn, three wife-inspired visual representations of time to sit.  Ironic for someone who has burned his at both ends for a while and is too blind to sit down and realize the consequences.  That is why the candles are so important and so lovely, because they remind me of her and remind me of where I want to be.  The part of me that knows this is not a badge of honour is in my heart, it has her voice.

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