Day 30

9:30PM:

Ok, so let’s walk through this:

  • Woke up this morning to the fear (that was only un-realized consciously because of my ability to compartmentalize – such a great reward for my years of standing up straight through it all), which impacted all my interactions with my wife.
  • Worked out today even after realizing 2 sets in that I was fucking exhausted and had no direction.
  • Ran around in the afternoon, making the conscious decision not to eat lunch so I could enjoy more food later (even though I will probably feel bloated after eating after-dinner once again).
  • Just sat down.  About 10 minutes ago, just sat down for the first time outside of meals all fucking day.  My decision, but definitely one that will make me look at 3PM tomorrow as: “what the fuck have I done with my weekend?”

I’m sure there are calories connected to this, and anxiety, and perfectionism, and the need to be the most tired.  I’m sure there is validation in this cumulatively, but individually, they all made sense:  I vacuumed because it was causing me more mental stress to see all the bits than the physical stress of actually vacuuming; I cooked because my girl is having a tough time right now and even if I fuck it up (a likely scenario for the first time around), it will put a smile on her heart; I shovelled the driveway and did the laundry so she didn’t have to, and because it has to get done.

I am tired.  I know what it feels like.  I don’t know what it feels like otherwise, or at least I don’t remember what it feels like these days.  I need guidance.  I need to be okay with saying, “I relaxed today” or “I took time to recuperate today.”  I just don’t value it or myself that way.

Maybe I’ll ask Social Worker that on Tuesday: “why should I keep coming back?”  “How will you help me out of this well?”

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