Today felt good: slept in, didn’t stretch the time limits of meals, based eating amounts on hunger levels. Shit was semi-tough at work, but it didn’t seem to faze me or turn me into a prick or ramp me up internally as it has in the recent past. Here’s the day so far:
6:30 – wake-up, no shower (night before)
7:00 – pot of tea, 24oz water
7:30 – started work/prep, cup of coffee
8:30 – hungry starts (level 6)
9:00 – ate breakfast [8 portions]
10:00 – normal, happy
11:30 – small hungry (level 3), but not enough for a larger snack and don’t really want an apple; will eat lunch soon
13:00 – ate lunch (definitely at a level 7/8, but ate as soon as I could) [8 portions]
14:00 – happy/kind
15:00 – happy/kind, working out
16:00 – happy/kind/calm (pot of tea)
17:00 – happy/kind/calm (music)
18:00 – happy, but a little jittery and tired (don’t think hungry is factoring into the equation, but it could be a little)
And there you go. The most important part of this day: I am not thinking that my mood as ANYTHING to do with food! Sleep = possible reason. Avoiding social scars = very possible reason. Last night’s yoga session = could have carried over. But none of the things I’m thinking about are connected to food, to the fact that I ate later or ate by my mood or to any anti-ED element. More, this had to do with the blackness. The day was hard, but tools in place let the blackness not rule me.
That being said, the day wasn’t that hard – what happens when it is? What happens if I go home and my wife wants sex and I’m too scared to be vulnerable or too tired or out-of-performance-gas? What happens then, when the day isn’t as non-anxiety-causing?
Truth be told, I am a little scared of these things. When it is, I will have to “one day at a time.” When it is, I will have to listen to my body more. When it is, I will have to be more ok with being wrong (“fake it until I make it”). When it is, I will have to imagine something beautiful, amazing and loving that we are striving towards:
“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for” – Bob Marley (turning into a very smart man).