Day 28

6PM:

Today felt good: slept in, didn’t stretch the time limits of meals, based eating amounts on hunger levels.  Shit was semi-tough at work, but it didn’t seem to faze me or turn me into a prick or ramp me up internally as it has in the recent past.  Here’s the day so far:

6:30 – wake-up, no shower (night before)

7:00 – pot of tea, 24oz water

7:30 – started work/prep, cup of coffee

8:30 – hungry starts (level 6)

9:00 – ate breakfast [8 portions]

10:00 – normal, happy

11:30 – small hungry (level 3), but not enough for a larger snack and don’t really want an apple; will eat lunch soon

13:00 – ate lunch (definitely at a level 7/8, but ate as soon as I could) [8 portions]

14:00 – happy/kind

15:00 – happy/kind, working out

16:00 – happy/kind/calm (pot of tea)

17:00 – happy/kind/calm (music)

18:00 – happy, but a little jittery and tired (don’t think hungry is factoring into the equation, but it could be a little)

And there you go.  The most important part of this day: I am not thinking that my mood as ANYTHING to do with food!  Sleep = possible reason.  Avoiding social scars = very possible reason.  Last night’s yoga session = could have carried over.  But none of the things I’m thinking about are connected to food, to the fact that I ate later or ate by my mood or to any anti-ED element.  More, this had to do with the blackness.  The day was hard, but tools in place let the blackness not rule me.

That being said, the day wasn’t that hard – what happens when it is?  What happens if I go home and my wife wants sex and I’m too scared to be vulnerable or too tired or out-of-performance-gas?  What happens then, when the day isn’t as non-anxiety-causing?

Truth be told, I am a little scared of these things.  When it is, I will have to “one day at a time.”  When it is, I will have to listen to my body more.  When it is, I will have to be more ok with being wrong (“fake it until I make it”).  When it is, I will have to imagine something beautiful, amazing and loving that we are striving towards:

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for” – Bob Marley (turning into a very smart man).

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