Fighting the blacklist is working – there are fewer things that I am “afraid” to eat. Afraid being in quotation marks because I firmly believe that the portion-based system has been limiting me for a year, and not the other way around. That being said, my inability to decide on my own to engage in this exposure therapy, that needs to be acknowledged. That needs to be recognized as fear of not being perfect, fear of screwing up, fear of getting it wrong (and getting fat? Or just of not being controlled/perfect?).
It is a good thing that now, I could eat that piece of cheese offered to me out of kindness, I like that thought. Creatively, the system now allows me to eat chocolate without measuring (yes, there have been anxious moments, but practice makes perfect – it does take a few times to get through the anxiety, I find). We shall get there some day, but the fight has just begun – this is barely a sub-boss in the grand, video game scheme of things.