The anxiety climbs from my stomach into my throat. I can feel it in my chest, in my lungs, in my heart. It makes it hard to breathe, hard to concentrate. I feel this fiery concoction sitting square in my chest waiting to burst into my head and make the world stop, but no answers come. It’s been here for about an hour, starting as an irritability, but people were being fucking stupid.
Is it the coffee? Is it the people around me? Is it boredom? Could be – could be any of these things – but it could also be the lack of snack.
Ok, fine. So the past week, I’ve had an apple when it gets really bad – doesn’t work, still tension remains. So today, I have a date-almond bar; try to experiment with putting a little more into my system to kill off the anxiety. Sitting here now, no magic appears to take it away. There doesn’t seem to be an A + B = C, or at least not one I have figured out. What the fuck is this thing that makes me so uncomfortable right now?
The larger snack quelled it a bit, but I can still feel it burning in there. Maybe I just need some perspective, some escape from the spiral. Perhaps the snack and this journal is helping me not spiral down deeper into this, allowing me to grab a rope from a distant ship and helping get me out of this mental whirlpool.
When did I turn into this pretzeled-up abrasive fucked up thing, hidden from the rest of the world just because the blackness is inside me, turning the crank as I grin and bear it? This is not a comfortable way to live.
Skipped lunch – partly because I wasn’t body hungry and partly because I wanted to do an official experiment. A couple of hours ago, in a meeting, I was starting to get head hungry (thinking that a big end-of-day meal is good, “planning ahead” food – not sure if this stuff was boredom or food spinniness hijacking my thoughts). Right now, I am not body hungry in the traditional sense, nor am I head hungry. However, I am dizzy/lightheaded and am in the spinny/adrenaline/increased heart rate behaviour (walking down the halls at light-speed) that is a HIGH. This is the addictive skip-a-meal high that is the “bright” and “shiny” side of the blackness – totally opposite from the anxiety of 10AM, but definitely part of the same coin. Bad thing is though, I can’t tell if these symptoms of not eating are a bad thing right now. So what if I skipped lunch; I didn’t turn into a raving lunatic, angry son-of-a-bitch or anything in between. But this is the addict talking, as I unable to see behind the “shininess” right now – there is difficulty finding words, light-headedness and a slight headache and later, I will be very fussy/particular about food. This is where one day at a time is going to be important – because the shininess is the addiction, makes for a few hours wasted, swimming in the blackness.
Found this (http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/11/23/phases-of-recovery-from-a-restrictive-eating-disorder.html), and it makes a whole lot of sense:
A non-ED person will say she feels irritated, fatigued, hungry and moody when starving. The leptin levels dropping are creating unpleasant moods and extreme hunger to signal to the brain that it is time to go find more food/energy to eat.
An ED person will say she is not hungry. Although experts dispute whether she actually does feel hunger or not, it is clear she feels calmer, energized and dissociated from negative feelings (emotionally blunted) as a result of suppressing her hunger [S. Guisinger, 2003; M. Duclos et al., 2012]. The ED-skewed neurotransmitters are able to override what the leptin levels should be triggering: unpleasant moods and the desire to eat more.