Day 24


One of the worst things about the fight against this eating disorder-disease is that in order to get rid of it, you have to get rid of the brightness that it gives you.  You have to set aside the feelings of cleanliness and purification (actually, scratch those two, because they are more disordered than I intend to sound) – retry: feeling good because you’re putting good things in your body.  You have to set these aside because, so they say, they are destructive.  While this is sometimes questionable, most of the time you know it actually is – i.e. staying up worrying about espresso beans (that being said, I don’t know if I would have been that way had I measured it; on the other hand, I do know I wouldn’t have eaten them without measuring without this “fun snack” portions experiment).

Right now, there is a lack of brightness, which has to do with taking away food as a source of brightness and the reason for this being because it can be a destructive form of brightness.  By taking away all of the brightness and all of the eating disorder, we are hoping to shed off the things about it that are destructive, that are dark, so that when it is re-entered (in whatever form), the parts of it that are evil are gone.  But it does mean that right now, I am in a period when there is no brightness, because I have not yet filled that hole with other bright things, whether it’s running or reading or loving.  Here’s to hoping that this lack of brightness is a good thing, because I have to say that it sure as fuck doesn’t feel good right now.  There is no hope in this lack of brightness, there is automation/mechanization, there is taking your medicine.  I believe this is why they call it one day at a time, because having to think about more than just one day of this lack of brightness is soul-crushing.

Inspired by this lack of brightness and trudging through, in trying to “fix” this element of eating – working on the timelines and blacklist – the following musings return, inevitably…

Can I live another day staying in the closet, thinking that the way I eat food and my relationship with it is flawed?  That the way I love is wrong?  Or should I put on my fucking rainbow shirt and accept who I am?  In finding myself problematic (as a homosexual would in a zealous Christian cult), I could be creating the problem, I could be creating this unnecessary feeling of bluntness.  However, by not finding my eating habits problematic, I could also be sharpening the knife that I’ll eventually use to slit my wrist, because the dark elements of this take over.  Accepting who I am, that my relationship with food is ok, ignores my sex drive, my irritability – not unless these are symptoms of the blackness too?  In which case, cutting off the eating disorder’s head is an earlier stage, something to be done before tackling these things.  These other elements are not branches of the eating disorder, but of the central blackness.  Cutting off the eating disorder will not solve these issues, but will stop it from blocking the view.  In this way, the lack of brightness has a brighter, silver lining.


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