Day 23

9:30AM:

100 grams.  100 grams of a snack that I claim to enjoy (dark chocolate covered espresso beans) that I could not get my head around as a snack – a snack that was “prescribed” by a doctor as being mandatory exposure therapy and therefore should go unmeasured/estimated.  We are talking a third of a cup and after eating it, the thoughts started bouncing:

that was more than 3 portions, you had envisioned snacks as being three boxes

I’m not going to the gym tomorrow, but I am helping Mom move stuff, which I won’t compensate with a gym addition to the boxes, so having a little more today is going to be ok because I will burn extra calories off tomorrow

maybe if I throw up right now I will be able to get the chocolate out of my system, because I ate it right at the end and only ate soft apples afterwards, which are easy to purge

if what ED Doctor said is true, my body will compensate for itself when I add a few hundred calories here or there, because of my metabolism

Why do all these thoughts race through my head when I should be sound asleep, thinking about the beautiful, amazing and loving wife sleeping beside me who needs my support?  In my mind, it is that I do not want to lose this thing – my physical self – that I feel I have worked so hard to accomplish, to get right.  I have worked through 200lb high school pudginess to 135lb emaciation to 220lb muscle bloating to 190lb out-of-the-gym to 170lb low body fat, run a half marathon on a whim.  And yet, she still cheated on me.  And yet, I’m clearly not still quiet up there.  And yet, I still worry about 100 grams of chocolate covered espresso beans.

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