Day 22

6AM:

Three days, three “fun snacks.”  Day 1 was Rolos, Day 2 was unknown amount of wine and Day 3 was truffles.  The funny thing is that none of them were awe-inspiringly liberating.  I didn’t feel some sort of euphoric “AAAHHHHHH” when I had any of them:

Truth be told, I would have rather had the 85% Lindt Dark Chocolate over any of them.  But I can’t know – I won’t allow myself to be wrong about whether or not this is something that I actually want.  Do I want it for actual satisfaction/desire or do I want it because of control/restriction?

Truth be told, I didn’t feel like having the 10PM snack I made last night after eating the wife-delivered truffles and artichokes.  But I can’t know – I won’t allow myself to be wrong about whether or not this was me fighting back against relatively-unstructured eating that night.  Did I not want it because I was tired and satisfied with the food I had eaten or did I not want it because of control/restriction?

Truth be told, I feel kind of crappy this morning after having “test the waters, loosening up barriers, unrestricting restrictiveness” Chinese food for dinner last night.  But I can’t know – I won’t allow myself to be wrong about whether or not this is something that I should attribute to the food that I ate.  Do I not want it because it made me feel sluggish or do I not want it because of control/restriction?

Yesterday, Social Worker asked why I don’t trust myself to make decisions like this anymore.  It is because I fucked up.  It is because I don’t want to be wrong again.  But I can’t know – I’m not sure if this is because I want to be perfect or because I actually recognize the side effects of being wrong.

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