Day 18

10PM:

I just reviewed what I’ve written – fuck, did I ever go downhill in two weeks (expectedly).  A couple of things I see:

I should not be looking to replace right with another form of right, seeking the same kind of perfection in a different form, replacing old control with a new control – that’s what the blackness has been about for years.  But that’s what this seems to be: intuitive eating or meal-time eating instead of portion-eating.  If they are going to cause the same amount of spinniness (because of the way the blackness is in control, not me), are they any better for my life?  Are they going to start to repair the emotional deadening and lack of stress management?

The quasi-solutions that this orthorexia theory and book (which could very well be pseudo-science or me trying to clinic-ize something that could be perfectly normal, trying to find fucked-up-ness in myself instead of being happy with my flaws – but again, I don’t want to accept something that I can change, since I don’t have the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and can’t) present will likely only work or have the potential to work if that’s it, if this thing is only orthorexia or some other form of eating disorder (since orthorexia wouldn’t explain the rigid food timing or ending the day with food).  Not when there is this blackness behind it.  Not when I still don’t feel happy.

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