Day 17

7PM:

Just ate based on how I felt – good Indian food, ate a lot of it.  Didn’t binge, didn’t burst, but really enjoyed what I did eat.

I portion-estimated =

(1)   Vegetable Curry – 3 cups cooked vegetables [1.5 V portions], sauce [1 FA portions]

(2)   ½ Whole Wheat Roti [0.5 S portions]

(3)   Beef Curry – just shy of 4oz beef [1.75 M portions], not total container of sauce [0.75 FA portions]

(4)   Saag Chicken – just shy of 4oz chicken [1.75 M portions], not total container of sauce [0.75 FA portions]

This was not portion-worrying though.  I didn’t fuss about being at 6 portions before eating the Saag Chicken, because I wanted to have a little more food.  Not even sure if I wanted more food because I was hungry; I think I kept eating because it was so damn good.

However, does portion calculating ruin all these positives?  Does it mean that the joy is lessened, that emotions are deadened, that feelings take a backseat to orthorexic tendencies?  Or if portion control (and let’s be serious, more than occasional calories counting – but I do it because I can’t portion-estimate everything; however, it does amp up the mental stress component of this all, as evidenced by the fact that “cheat days” to me have been envisioned as non-measuring days) is part of healthy eating, can’t I eat what I want within these guidelines and have it be ok?  I know that not eating outside these boundaries ever is a restriction and an ED vestige (i.e. if my five-year-old nephew had offered me a cookie), but I could get over it by figuring out how (cheat meal/day, a certain percentage of the daily portions allotted to a “fun snack” or to “wiggle room”).  But let’s say that I am normal and I accept that, how do I fix my sex drive, my emotional fragility, my fucked-up-ness?  Where do these fall in (because they are more important to me, in many senses)?

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