I used a phrase with Work Friend earlier: I am everyone else’s life lesson. Old Boss and Family Friend didn’t reach out when I needed them, now they will for the next person. Mom and Dad ignored the things that made me fucked up, now they won’t ignore them for my brother. My wife abandoned me on two occasions – one time she wasn’t there physically, giving me someone to lean on, and the second time, she cheated on me, pretending she was there when she was somewhere else entirely – and now she tries her damndest to make sure that never happens again. Same thing would apply for the family – who knows how that will go around Christmas, but I will most certainly become the life lesson again. Is this an element of my disease or my personality? I don’t mind this role; it makes me useful and wanted (and lonely).
And the train of thought continues…
My wife has asked me about forgiveness a number of times, so much so that I’ve had the thought rattling around in my head: forgiveness for all these aforementioned things, forgiveness of my own sins, forgiveness of my own faults. What she does not understand is that I can’t forgive myself; how the fuck am I supposed to forgive anyone else? In fact, I would be more likely to forgive everyone else for leaving me to rot in this hole of stress and anxiety and ED; it would be that much harder to forgive myself.
It has never been a question of forgiveness.
Why does it have to be forgive or forget, forgive and forget, or any of these permutations? Why can’t it just be living the next day, and the day after that and the day after that? Worrying about forgiveness, regretting what is done, longing for redos – these are the tragic flaws of Shakespearean plays, all leading to self-imposed dementia, deterioration and desolation. But that’s her and everyone else, they are the ones that worry about those things, not me. I wouldn’t regret what is done, I wouldn’t long for redos, I would just breathe. I quack like a duck, walk like a duck and talk like a duck, so perhaps I am disguising moving on as forgiveness – but only for me, not for anyone else. For the first time in a long time, I could very well be a life lesson for myself (now I just have to figure out how to accept and forgive myself).